Reflection

I’ve posted 26…..now 27 parts of my thoughts this year. If you’re a true blogger and reading this then you’re probably laughing because that’s nothing compared to what you do. I didn’t intend to write a certain amount as this was just a way to express myself. 

However, from the time I started this til now a lot has happened. Just like any year mine’s had its ups and downs. I’ve lost people, things, and myself. I’ve added people, things and a new respect and understanding of who I am and what I want in life. 

If you look at my first couple of posts you’ll see a writer trying to find her voice. I dabbled in sports writing…. not my best work, some promising parts though. I’ve shared the workings of a girls brain through over analyzing the simplest of things, I’ve touched upon subjects of bullying, love, how cancer sucks, a concert review, and how a creative minds works.

I opened up a window to my own personal experiences. To how much I had in my bank account to losing who I was because another failed relationship ended. I allowed myself to share my writings in poetry and part of a short story and that was only the first half of the year. 

I’ve found peace and adventure during the last 6 months. I gained back my confidence,  I’ve renewed my strength, I’ve surrounded myself with people who challenge me in good ways and balance my life. I’ve chosen to lead a life that I want to live, not work through. I’ve found someone who doesn’t complete me, but reminds me that I can do anything I set my mind too and I for them. 

And lastly I’ve seen people’s true colors the second half of this year. Most that shimmer and are a positive in my life but others that truly surprised me with their selfishness. I will never understand how you can just stop believing in someone. I will never forget the words that were said and that’s fine because I’ve become a better person and my eyes have been opened that in reality the ones who are closest to you have the most power to cripple you if you let them. So here’s to 2018 continuing the journey to peace and love. Thank you for joining and see you next year!

-AMP

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Cha Cha Cha Changes

In the past 5 months.

Lost:

Love, passion, soulmate, home.

Gained:

Adventure, interest, wanderlust, confidence.

The same time that I fell out of love, I gained a new adventure in my career. The same time I started losing my passion for dance, I gained more interest in pursuing writing. I traveled to Hawaii, caught the travel bug and now am itching to go explore, something I have often put on the backburner. I’ve discovered who I am NOW, have been more confident about what I want lately, yet still yearn for a someone to experience life with. My bestfriend moved across the country making her a six and a half flight away rather than an hour and a half drive, but luckily our phone skills are on point.

Changes haven’t always been my strong point. I’ve always stayed closer to home, stayed in my comfort zone, and kept my aspirations contained. Now all I want to do is get lost in a new city, immerse myself with the locals, and gain life experiences instead of trudging through it like a robot.

Today is my sorta day off so I finally got to sleep in and you know what I wasn’t ashamed to do so. I slept until noon, something I used to do often before starting my 9–5 job….I miss it. Anyway, I got a notification on my LinkedIn account like I do everyday, however, this one post really struck me. Bianca Jackson posted “I quit my 9–5 job. I felt victorious,” to which I was all like You go girl!, but then I kept reading, “What scares me the most in life is NOT having enough money but rather not living and walking in my purpose. Life is not a stage rehearsal but rather the play in action. Will you be the star you were meant to be or cruise through life as the understudy to your greatness?” DAMN.

Just take a second a let that sink in.

Those last two lines have my head spinning. Am I really going to continue to let my jobs run my life? Am I willing to sacrifice more of it to help others succeed? What about me? Who is rooting for me to be happy? Is that a selfish thing to do? HOLD UP! What better time to be selfish than now? I’m still young enough to go out travel, better myself. I’m not married nor do I have kids, something I thought I’d have by now if you asked 16 year old me, but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt with. So why not now? Why not up and run with life?

The control freak in me is saying: money, students, family. All things I’ve put in front of my own happiness. There is only so much they can do for you. If I’m being totally honest dance isn’t my happy place anymore. It’s exhausting. I recently had a conversation with my old dance teacher and she put it perfectly, “Dance is being turned into a sport, it’s all about the tricks, and no longer an art.” How true is that? People don’t get that dance is art. It is an expression for those who can’t speak their mind. It is a pain reliever for those who’ve lost their way. Its an escape. Granted I have some students who get that, but its only a handful out of the hundreds I teach.

So now what? Well, I have a creative writing degree that I’m currently doing nothing with. I’m stuck at a marketing job that is great extra money, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I have no time to do anything because I work constantly to pay the bills. All of my friends for the most part have 9–5 jobs or are married. I am still using the phrase, “ I can’t I have dance,” when they ask about hanging out. I’m frustrated beyond belief with my life being run by my jobs rather than myself. And all that’s going on in my head is “Something has changed within me, something is not the same…”I’m just tried of missing out on life. I’m tired of my life right now ruining relationships because I have no time. I’m tired of not loving what I do anymore. I’m just plain tired. Something needs to happen. Something needs to change.

-AMP