Okay.

Broken.

Another piece of her heart was gone.

With so much to give, she couldn’t understand why she deserved this.

Her big heart.

Her kind soul.

What made it okay to crush them?

How could she be so easy to walk away from?

…..they always walk away.

Who said it was okay for you to make her feel like this?

You loved her.

You said you’d do anything for her,

yet you turned your back on her.

You made promises you couldn’t keep.

You gave her hope.

Hope of a love she wouldn’t regret,

a love she wouldn’t miss.

You messed with her head.

Just like every other “man” in her life.

She trusted you….

she trusted you.

She stopped eating.

Cried herself to sleep at night.

Felt numb.

Worthless.

She was angry.

Angry that she let you do this to her,

that she let this go on way too long.

Angry that she kept pushing the signs to the back of her mind,

because, because she wanted this to be it so badly.

….she wanted this.

But you let her down.

You pushed her away.

You made her feel small,

like she wasn’t good enough,

like she wasn’t capable of real love.

And then you lied.

You lied straight to her face.

You made her believe that there was still a chance.

How dare you….

How dare you.

She deserves better.

She won’t let you have that power over her.

Not anymore.

She sees that now.

She’s hurting less.

She’s learning to love who she is.

Her mind is understanding that you were a lesson.

A lesson of the good times you shared,

what she doesn’t want to feel like,

and what she needs to work on.

She eats.

She goes to bed in peace.

Her wounds are healing.

She can look at herself without being disgusted.

She can see who she is, who she wants to be, and who she’ll become.

She is growing.

She is surviving.

She will be okay.

 

 

 

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Creative Minds

This hiatus had me thinking about how creative people are their own breed. Artist’s especially.

I have been a dreamer all my life. Creativity has always come natural to me. I started choreographing full dance solos for myself at a young age (thank you home movies for capturing that). I grew up in a time where you still could be anything without people crushing your dreams. I realized at a young age I wanted to be a professional dancer. I wanted to be a backup dancer for Michael Jackson, because if your going to set standards for yourself, you mind as well set them high. Those dreams got crushed when he passed so the next star of choice was Justin Timberlake…and who knows if he’ll return to the touring world again. The limits I set for myself were to the moon and beyond.

I went to a community college, which let my creativity in dance skyrocket after being asked to choreograph for the dance ensemble my second semester in. During my time there I expanded my knowledge in dance and also got to know more about my mind and how I created my dances. I rarely came to rehearsal prepared with anything because I could just make up movement on the spot (a gift that I am now acknowledging to be something special). I’d come up with storylines for my dancers to connect to or bring in a piece of art that I got inspired from. I auditioned for America’s Best Dance Crew season one with the dance team, I performed at Six Flags with a friend I met in the ensemble, and even after college my connections with dancers and my professor led me to more experiences in the “real world”.

If you have a creative mind then you already know how it doesn’t shut off easily. For those of you who don’t, let me help you imagine what its like. Say its 10pm and you’re laying in bed ready to sleep. BAM! 5,000 ideas and concerns just flooded your brain and now you’re wide awake. No matter how hard you try you can’t sleep, so what do you do? Well for me I start to make lists or write, put music on and dance it out, or binge watch something on Netflix until my eyes and brain give out. Sometimes it takes only a couple of hours and other times I’m wide awake until 7am. If you live with someone and you are still up as they are getting ready for work, you’ll most likely get this, “Everything okay?” and you’ll respond, “Yup, I’m just not tired.” Most of the time I don’t want to concern anyone with my insomnia and to be honest most of the time its because something sparks my creativity and my brain doesn’t let it go until it is released.

There are downfalls of being a creative person. Well, it’s not necessarily a downfall, but some people can see it this way. Most of the creative people I know are quirky characters, including myself. We can be overly emotional about the simplest thing. Perfect example: I love classic rock (I swear I was born in the wrong era), whenever certain songs come on I have to stop what I’m doing and just live in the song. To hear a guitarist wail their soul out in the notes that they play is a thing of beauty. To listen to the pleading voices of that era is magical in itself and some people relate to how I’m feeling and others just think I’m crazy. There are songs today that still do that, but its getting rarer by the generation. You just happen to get lost in the music rather than just listening to it. You might even cry because it was that beautiful or soul wrenching.

 Creative minds are often attached with being over sensitive also. This I believe is because we are often misunderstood. If there is something we are passionate about, its not 100% it’s 1000000000% that we will stand up for it no matter what. We can be irrational in conversations because our love or hate for something is so strong that we want others to see what we see. It can be extremely annoying to those without this gift and if you’re dating someone like us God bless you.

Patience is key if you are in a relationship with a creative mind. We are up all hours of the night, we express our love and hate for things that normal people can see the black and white of. We often voice our opinions not asking for others but just to put ours out there. Our love for all humans is inevitable. We don’t see race or gender we just see people. Guaranteed, we’ve been in a show with people who become like a second family and understand us more than anyone else. Being a spouse or significant other, you have to ride our rollercoasters…and there’s many: withdrawal after a show is over, having people who don’t understand our passion or us, being sleep deprived, being messy not only with our scattered brain but in real life and on and on. For those of you on the other side, our second half to our whole who aren’t “like” us, you are a strong and patient human being and we appreciate your willingness to love us no matter what. We appreciate that you don’t fully understand how we operate, but don’t push us to ignore our emotions. We are grateful for those of you who support everything we do, even if you don’t 1000000000% agree with us. You don’t squash our creativity with realistic statistics because you know that we are determined to break those odds. You eventually bring out your own quirkiness and we love every second of it!

Now I’m going to get brutally honest for those of us who have been in relationships and the person you were with tried to pull you out of your “fantasy land”, you are the kind of people we dislike. You try to change something that comes natural to us and turn us into another ordinary person because maybe you feel inferior to someone who has such a passion for life. You are the dream and confident killers. You make a creative person cripple in a world filled with so much inspiration. You have no right to tell another human that they are wasting their time dreaming of things that will never happen or only last a short time. Creativity is something that should never be contained and allowed to explode whenever and wherever it can. Do not suffocate it let it flourish.

Final thoughts: Be with someone who aspires you to run with your dreams. Never let someone dull your love for life. Always, always, always, be your quirky crazy self.

-AMP

The Girls Room

Friday night: drinks, friends, and music.

Not enough food in my system leads to over dramatic AMP.

Gone to the bathroom to pee and boom enter my new BFF. Girls you know who I’m talking about the one girl you meet in the bathroom that tells you you’re pretty or they like something of yours. Well this was a little bit different…

Her name was Ashley and within two seconds my friend and I were invited into a stall with her to talk about why I was upset. Yup, no boundaries were spared during this encounter and to be honest nobody cared. For some stupid reason I got myself all worked up about how I don’t think I can be loved. Past relationships were brought up and Ashley had nothing but nice and encouraging things to say to me without even knowing who I was. She said that the guy I’m with now, clearly loves me and don’t let exes keep a hold on you because their part of the past for a reason. Now mind you I had to ask my friend who got dragged into this little powwow why I was upset because I clearly didn’t remember, lets just call it a brownout, you know when you only remember parts of your night. Yeah..

I ended up getting this girls number and I remember her saying text me and we can talk more about this because I’ve been going through the same thing. I told her I was going to write about her in my blog and I’ve decided to send it to her as well. Hey Ashley, thanks for being a trooper and saying such kind words from what I remember and what I was told. There needs to be more girls like you in the world who are genuine to people they don’t even know.

The rest of the night I was a basic hot mess. I couldn’t stop crying and eventually admitted I was exhausted. There was only one other time this has happened, minus many drinks involved. That time was when I mentally checked out. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling sad, unloved, and not worthy of love. I cried to my mom for hours about how I don’t want to end up divorced like many people in our family. I said I didn’t understand how someone who loves you can hurt you so badly. I told her I was mentally and physically done and that I just wanted to go away, which freaked her out because she thought I wanted to kill myself. I would never do that just to be clear. I just felt like I was being suffocated all at once by my insecurities: am I pretty enough, can somebody love me for the rest of my life , am I good enough for someone?

SNAP OUT OF IT! I am good enough, pretty enough, and clearly capable of love. I deserve to be free from the past and my fears. I can’t let them cripple me and I won’t. Ashley’s advice made me get a grip, well maybe not at the time, but seriously my eyes are wide open to the problem. Sometimes it takes a complete stranger for you to actually listen. Sometimes we need to have embarrassing breakdowns to get a clear head. Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and just let all that negative crap out. Seriously. This post is dedicated to those who’ve ever felt like this and to all the Ashley’s us girls encounter in the bathroom!

-AMP

 

All we need is love…

I’ve recently watched a movie called Cyberbully and I couldn’t help but think, thank goodness I grew up during a time where social media wasn’t a huge deal. Bullying has always been around, however there are so many more outlets now that people can spread rumors or make fun of someone on. While watching this movie I couldn’t help but think how many people have committed or thought about committing suicide from being bullied. How do people get joy out of making others feel miserable about themselves? What happened to them that they feel the need to do this?

In a previous post I have admitted on being a victim of having rumors spread about me. I have to say in this case it wasn’t a malicious attack. I liked one of my guy friends, someone said we were dating, he stopped talking to me, and my friends started to ignore me because they had a crush on the same guy. Did I get depression from this? No. Was I pissed? Hell yeah! That’s middle school for ya! So and so said blah, blah, blah, and everyone believed it instead of going to the source for the truth. You know what….it’s still not okay.

When I was young I went to a dancing school outside of my city at the age of seven. Shortly after I was asked to be on the competition team and all anybody could think was that I got on because the director knew my mom. Instead of being welcomed I was blatantly secluded during practices when we were asked to go in the other room and run the dance or moves we just learned. Its tough when you become a fourth person in a tight trio. My love for dance helped me push through, but as the years went on more people were added to the group and welcomed with open arms by my “teammates”. I get that I didn’t live close to hang out on the regular and they did include me in dance outings, but they always grouped in a corner and whispered. No matter how much I tried to be friends, it just felt fake or forced. One year for my birthday they made it out to seem like they forgot it, when usually we’d get a card and balloons. I felt stupid and insignificant. I always chipped in on their birthdays, what the hell did I do to be overlooked? After class was over they finally revealed balloons and a card, saying something along the lines of, “we got you.”

Was I supposed to be relieved? I felt like screaming. I hated feeling like a project they were semi interested in. I didn’t have that popular gene in my body like the rest of them had. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, I just wanted to dance. I remember getting into my mom’s car one night saying, “I don’t know if I want to dance anymore”. She couldn’t believe what I said and immediately asked why and what happened. I told her the team made me feel like an outsider and I hated it. Being the loving mom, she said it was up to me. The more I thought about it, the more I’d get pissed that I’d let people come between my love for dance. I ultimately decided that I wouldn’t let them get to me and if they kept shutting me out I’d just work harder. That seemed to get them off my back and start to make an effort in being friends.

Soon after I got them off my back, their next victim came walking in. I noticed right away how they excluded her and I made it a point to get to know her. She was different from everyone, just like me, so I understood her. Unfortunately they got to her worse than me. She isolated herself and seemed to start a spiral into depression and an eating disorder. I graduated shortly after leaving all that behind. Or so I thought…

I went off to college and joined the dance ensemble and dance team my first semester. The people were extremely nice and I thought I finally have a dance family that I’ll feel included in. The girls I became close to left after a couple of semesters and I was left with the new tide rolling in. I went from one of the loved dancers to being pushed out again because of my love for dance. I didn’t make excuses, I did whatever the choreographers wanted me to do without question. That’s what I learned, so I couldn’t believe how many times I heard, “I can’t do that, you have to change it, I have bad (insert body part here)”. If you’re not going to give 100% than don’t be in a dance ensemble. That sounds harsh, but it was how I felt at the time. Certain dancers thought I took it to seriously, well yeah this was my life, my career.

I graduated and went on to a program in the city where another student auditioned and got in also. I was livid because I wanted to experience something by myself without drama. I became just like my teammates in thinking she didn’t deserve to be there. I somehow became a bully and made smart comments under my breath when she made a mistake. Who am I? Why was I doing this? I think I just didn’t get how she got into the same program when my dance technique was clearly better than hers. Better than hers. What the hell was wrong with me?! My competitive nature got the best of me and I made a few enemies in the program. I couldn’t wait for it to over.

With my certification done I got asked to be apart of a company with other dancers I had danced with in college. No brainer, of course! I couldn’t wait to keep dancing and see everyone again. With rehearsals underway and everything flowing smoothly I thought this is great! Finally a place to just dance. After the first show we did another, this time I saw that specific people were being picked for specific dancers no matter their talent. It became extremely biased on friendship and I was only picked for two or three numbers out of ten. Am I that difficult to work with? I know its not my dance ability. I started to feel secluded and after three shows decided to withdrawal from future shows. I wasn’t going to let people get to me again and get in the way of dance. I wasn’t going to feel unworthy.

When I found out that Lady Gaga became an advocate for bullying, because she herself was, I was ecstatic! Finally someone who made herself into something when everyone said she’d be nothing. She proved them all wrong and her fan base are a bunch of little monsters who are all different types of weird. A perfect fit for me. I’m a weirdo, I know. I enjoy singing and dancing where ever I can and I am a goofy goober. I don’t want to be perfect or want to impress everyone. I don’t feel the need to love the latest trends and I grew up with a diverse group of family and friends. I don’t discriminate against anyone because I believe people should love who they want to and be who they want to. Gaga’s music tells a story and she is 100% a true artist. She struggled, but still keeps it real. She was a victim  of sexual assault, multiple eating disorders, and bullying throughout her life. She is not afraid to speak up for those who can’t and her Super Bowl performance was definitely top three of all time.

Which brings me to today, political correctness is ruining this country, people feeling the need to tell others who they can or can’t love is ruining this country, and coming in hot for round two: sexism is ruining this country. Why can’t we all get paid equally? Why can’t men be stay at home dads without their egos getting bruised? Why can’t people let others be themselves without judgement? This world needs love and understanding that everything doesn’t need to be understood. Stop bullying people you don’t get and give them a chance. The world would finally be able to breathe and that is all we need.

 

-AMP

2017 the start of something…

I realize that I am starting a blog at the end of January, but better late than never. Already 2017 has brought chaos into our new year, a year where we are supposed to rebirth in a sense. However, with a billionaire gone President happens and he spews out anything that’s on his mind of course 2017 starts off with protests.

Now listen I don’t talk politics, I don’t get politics, so this isn’t a political post. I am, however, a women and am proud that so many supported each other in a March not only in D.C, but all over the world. As a woman you can’t help but want equality, yeah we get to vote, have jobs outside of being a wife and mother, and other historical happenings…but we are still not equal in pay in most jobs and women are still considered the weaker sex. We should be allowed what happens to our bodies because everyone’s story is different. What I hope for is recognition of how much harder we have to work to get certain jobs and eventually true equality. With that my feminist rant is over.

I little more about me so you know what you’re getting yourself into. I love a good book with a warm blanket and a hot cup of tea. Dance is in my blood and I’m proud that I grew up in a studio. I think the arts are something every child should encounter. I feel bad for those who don’t understand it, because it is beautiful and life changing. I grew up in a divorced household, but loved by both sides. I was brought up to never judge someone on their ethnicity or sexual orientation. I believe that people should be able to love who they want to love and if you can’t understand that, well it’s just plan sad.

I fell in love with hockey at a young age because of my aunt, and I was definitely one of those 10 year olds cursing at the refs, I’m not ashamed. I am a diehard Devil’s fan and have met most of the team from the past five years and a bunch of alumni players. I am proud to be an avid lover of hockey and I actually go to watch the players play and not to just watch the players. Season ticket holder for 10 years and counting.

Lastly, this blog is where I’ll word vomit whatever is on my mind ^ clearly and I guess whoever reads this are the ones who will come on the ride with me.

-AMP