Cha Cha Cha Changes

In the past 5 months.

Lost:

Love, passion, soulmate, home.

Gained:

Adventure, interest, wanderlust, confidence.

The same time that I fell out of love, I gained a new adventure in my career. The same time I started losing my passion for dance, I gained more interest in pursuing writing. I traveled to Hawaii, caught the travel bug and now am itching to go explore, something I have often put on the backburner. I’ve discovered who I am NOW, have been more confident about what I want lately, yet still yearn for a someone to experience life with. My bestfriend moved across the country making her a six and a half flight away rather than an hour and a half drive, but luckily our phone skills are on point.

Changes haven’t always been my strong point. I’ve always stayed closer to home, stayed in my comfort zone, and kept my aspirations contained. Now all I want to do is get lost in a new city, immerse myself with the locals, and gain life experiences instead of trudging through it like a robot.

Today is my sorta day off so I finally got to sleep in and you know what I wasn’t ashamed to do so. I slept until noon, something I used to do often before starting my 9–5 job….I miss it. Anyway, I got a notification on my LinkedIn account like I do everyday, however, this one post really struck me. Bianca Jackson posted “I quit my 9–5 job. I felt victorious,” to which I was all like You go girl!, but then I kept reading, “What scares me the most in life is NOT having enough money but rather not living and walking in my purpose. Life is not a stage rehearsal but rather the play in action. Will you be the star you were meant to be or cruise through life as the understudy to your greatness?” DAMN.

Just take a second a let that sink in.

Those last two lines have my head spinning. Am I really going to continue to let my jobs run my life? Am I willing to sacrifice more of it to help others succeed? What about me? Who is rooting for me to be happy? Is that a selfish thing to do? HOLD UP! What better time to be selfish than now? I’m still young enough to go out travel, better myself. I’m not married nor do I have kids, something I thought I’d have by now if you asked 16 year old me, but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt with. So why not now? Why not up and run with life?

The control freak in me is saying: money, students, family. All things I’ve put in front of my own happiness. There is only so much they can do for you. If I’m being totally honest dance isn’t my happy place anymore. It’s exhausting. I recently had a conversation with my old dance teacher and she put it perfectly, “Dance is being turned into a sport, it’s all about the tricks, and no longer an art.” How true is that? People don’t get that dance is art. It is an expression for those who can’t speak their mind. It is a pain reliever for those who’ve lost their way. Its an escape. Granted I have some students who get that, but its only a handful out of the hundreds I teach.

So now what? Well, I have a creative writing degree that I’m currently doing nothing with. I’m stuck at a marketing job that is great extra money, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I have no time to do anything because I work constantly to pay the bills. All of my friends for the most part have 9–5 jobs or are married. I am still using the phrase, “ I can’t I have dance,” when they ask about hanging out. I’m frustrated beyond belief with my life being run by my jobs rather than myself. And all that’s going on in my head is “Something has changed within me, something is not the same…”I’m just tried of missing out on life. I’m tired of my life right now ruining relationships because I have no time. I’m tired of not loving what I do anymore. I’m just plain tired. Something needs to happen. Something needs to change.

-AMP

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Let It Go

Being extremely unhappy is an issue anyone can fix with just a flip of their attitude. All you need to do is change your perspective of life as you see it. 

For example: In NJ it has been gloomy for the last couple of days. People can head into the day in a crappy mood or wake up and smile, thankful for being alive another day.

Now I didn’t have any near death experiences for me to shift, I jut realizes that instead of moving through life we should enjoy it. You never know what will happen tomorrow so book that vacation you keep putting off. Take a couple of me days just to get in tune with yourself again. Do something adventurous just because. 

I’ve don’t simply things like after waking up just smiling for a good 2 minutes or so before getting up. My friends and I are finally taking that mini vaca we’ve been wanting to. I’ve started researching for a book I want to write. Lastly, I’ve written down every negative thing that holds me back from living a happy life on a piece of paper and burned it. Letting the negativity drift out of my hands and far far away. Simple things like that have made a huge impact in my life. Having things to look forward to that are in the near future is way more exciting than things that are in the distance future.

Another reason I’ve decided to pursue this outlook on life is because of a Netflix show called No Tomorrow, it really puts how you spend your time here in perspective. Seriously check it out! Why keep life uneventful and repetitive? Get out there. Do something on your bucket list soon instead of later because you never know where life is going to take you.

-AMP

8.44

That’s how much was in my bank account earlier today. What a huge wake up call that was. I have goals for myself and I’ve been putting them on the back burner for other people’s happiness. It took an email from my bank to make me realize that I need to get my act together.

I want to get a place, something I can call my own for once. A place that I can decorate and splash me across.

I want to get a newer car so I don’t have to worry if it will breakdown every other day.

I want to get a job that I don’t have to worry about losing money if it snows. To be fair I think I’m taking directions in the right step with interning.

A friend of mine wrote me a “letter” through text about me finding my fire. Well, dance has always been my fire, yet teaching these young students is becoming a chore more than a passion. I love to perform, but I don’t have the confidence to put myself out there enough. Before it was because I didn’t want to miss anything family wise, again putting others before my happiness, but now in the dance world I am old. I can only urge my students to put themselves out their if they want to be a dancer. However, I never want to stop teaching completely.

I feel most free when dancing at a club, wedding, party. I’m not afraid of someone judging me for having a good time. I don’t feel pressured to dance like an eighth grader because I just want to do my own thing. I feel alive. I find that in writing now. Although I am not 100% confident in my work, no artist is, I am confident enough to ask for feedback from close friends and family.

Today I was driving to work and an idea for a story colored my mind. I am pursing this as a next step into my new life. I want to put my whole self in writing this to prove that I made the right decision to go back to school. I’m excited to see where my imagination will take the story as well. Hopefully I will be writing soon about sending samples to publisher’s, but let’s not get ahead.

From now on I am making conscious decisions on saving money to get the things I want most and to have a growing relationship with the ones I love. So if I say I can’t go out, it’s not against you, it’s about putting my priorities first this time around. Oh yeah and I got paid today.

-AMP

2017 the start of something…

I realize that I am starting a blog at the end of January, but better late than never. Already 2017 has brought chaos into our new year, a year where we are supposed to rebirth in a sense. However, with a billionaire gone President happens and he spews out anything that’s on his mind of course 2017 starts off with protests.

Now listen I don’t talk politics, I don’t get politics, so this isn’t a political post. I am, however, a women and am proud that so many supported each other in a March not only in D.C, but all over the world. As a woman you can’t help but want equality, yeah we get to vote, have jobs outside of being a wife and mother, and other historical happenings…but we are still not equal in pay in most jobs and women are still considered the weaker sex. We should be allowed what happens to our bodies because everyone’s story is different. What I hope for is recognition of how much harder we have to work to get certain jobs and eventually true equality. With that my feminist rant is over.

I little more about me so you know what you’re getting yourself into. I love a good book with a warm blanket and a hot cup of tea. Dance is in my blood and I’m proud that I grew up in a studio. I think the arts are something every child should encounter. I feel bad for those who don’t understand it, because it is beautiful and life changing. I grew up in a divorced household, but loved by both sides. I was brought up to never judge someone on their ethnicity or sexual orientation. I believe that people should be able to love who they want to love and if you can’t understand that, well it’s just plan sad.

I fell in love with hockey at a young age because of my aunt, and I was definitely one of those 10 year olds cursing at the refs, I’m not ashamed. I am a diehard Devil’s fan and have met most of the team from the past five years and a bunch of alumni players. I am proud to be an avid lover of hockey and I actually go to watch the players play and not to just watch the players. Season ticket holder for 10 years and counting.

Lastly, this blog is where I’ll word vomit whatever is on my mind ^ clearly and I guess whoever reads this are the ones who will come on the ride with me.

-AMP