Reflection

I’ve posted 26…..now 27 parts of my thoughts this year. If you’re a true blogger and reading this then you’re probably laughing because that’s nothing compared to what you do. I didn’t intend to write a certain amount as this was just a way to express myself. 

However, from the time I started this til now a lot has happened. Just like any year mine’s had its ups and downs. I’ve lost people, things, and myself. I’ve added people, things and a new respect and understanding of who I am and what I want in life. 

If you look at my first couple of posts you’ll see a writer trying to find her voice. I dabbled in sports writing…. not my best work, some promising parts though. I’ve shared the workings of a girls brain through over analyzing the simplest of things, I’ve touched upon subjects of bullying, love, how cancer sucks, a concert review, and how a creative minds works.

I opened up a window to my own personal experiences. To how much I had in my bank account to losing who I was because another failed relationship ended. I allowed myself to share my writings in poetry and part of a short story and that was only the first half of the year. 

I’ve found peace and adventure during the last 6 months. I gained back my confidence,  I’ve renewed my strength, I’ve surrounded myself with people who challenge me in good ways and balance my life. I’ve chosen to lead a life that I want to live, not work through. I’ve found someone who doesn’t complete me, but reminds me that I can do anything I set my mind too and I for them. 

And lastly I’ve seen people’s true colors the second half of this year. Most that shimmer and are a positive in my life but others that truly surprised me with their selfishness. I will never understand how you can just stop believing in someone. I will never forget the words that were said and that’s fine because I’ve become a better person and my eyes have been opened that in reality the ones who are closest to you have the most power to cripple you if you let them. So here’s to 2018 continuing the journey to peace and love. Thank you for joining and see you next year!

-AMP

Advertisements

Leaving

Here’s to a new voyage. One that will only bring light. Where the only dimming is from sunsets. And you can leave all your troubles behind. 

I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things as I leave and as much as I hate change, it is exactly what I need. 

Pulled in many directions, it’s time to find my path. On this journey I have to choose what’s best for me. Be selfish for once. Listen to what my gut tells me. 

I’m not an uber religious person, but I have been strongly influenced by this passage. So I leave you with this:

-AMP

The Parting Glass

Is it a sad song of a goodbye or is it a song to say see you later?

Take a listen to this song….

 

Done?

Beautiful right? So what exactly is the meaning of it? Is it a sad song of a goodbye or is it a song to say see you later? The meaning of the word and phrase are very different. Goodbye is more formal and final compared to see you later, which is more casual and commonly said when in fact seeing someone later.

So what started my mind wondering about the meaning of this Irish/Scottish folk song? Well, a friend of mine randomly sent it to me. This is someone who was in my life during high school and continued to pop in and out over the years. We’ve recently reconnected a couple of months ago and randomly send texts here and there catching up, basically trying to include each other in our lives again. After listening to it the first time I thought, this guy has a great instrument, his voice glides over every word, like butter melting over a baked potato. Then I listened to it again and paid close attention to the lyrics, because I’m a girl and overanalyze everything, I started to panic and think is this a way of saying goodbye? Or is this just a song they liked and wanted to send it.

So it true AMP fashion, I text said friend this:

Okay I’m dying, why did you send me that song? You know my brain I can’t just listen to something without over analyzing it haha. I thought maybe it was because you were peacing out of my life again, but this time intentionally lol or was it just a nice song to have me listen too and I’m just being crazy?

That was around 10pm Monday and I haven’t heard a thing. Now after going back and finding it on soundcloud again I noticed there were other posts, so I took a listen. How dumb of me! This is probably his station and his cover of the song. He always had a great voice, but I couldn’t pin this to him because of the accent he used while singing. Should I text again and say, “OMG I just realized its your voice! Disregard that message!” or wait for an answer haha.

Honestly, this song made me think about other relationships…even ones that weren’t a thought during the time. I’ve always been the girl who gets along better with guys, trust issues started in middle school with catty girls (God forbid you’re friends with a guy you like and don’t pursue it because you don’t want the friendship to get ruined. People just have to butt in and ruin a good friendship by telling your guy friend that you like them, just to have them stop talking to you), I’ve never been the same.

Quick insight I was a driven person, one who was focused on dance and didn’t have time to date boys, instead I just fantasized about it. I had more guy friends than girl friends in high school and the girls I made friends with, except the three I’m still friends with today, always got in the way of relationships, so I gave them a grand exit out of my life. I was easy to get along with, a go with the flow kind of person. I could spend a Friday night with a guy friend driving to nowhere just to park and look out the sunroof at stars or go over their house and listen to them play guitar with no added pressure. Conversation always flowed and it was never awkward to say goodbye, because there was no anticipation of a kiss. I was blinded by a long time crush, who was more of a man-whore, over great guys sitting right in front of me.

After graduating high school, I saw old friends at parties, at trips to AC, and of course got messages on FB asking how I’ve been. All these encounters had one thing in common, them saying, “You know I wanted to ask you out during high school, but you were so driven that I knew you wouldn’t have time for me.” Here I thought I wasn’t liked by many guys in high school, because I was always the friend or the girl who danced, and little did I know even popular guys had crushes on me. Was I that blind? How much more different would my life had been if I noticed? I was frustrated at them for telling me all these years later, instead of then and of course I was always dating someone at the time of these unveilings. Would I have secured a prom date well in advance, instead of asking a junior only to find out how sleazy he was and take back the invite a couple of weeks before prom?

Prom! Oh lord, word got out fast that I didn’t have a date and honestly I was hoping at the time my crush came to the rescue. To no surprise he asked a junior and my guy friends, the gentlemen they were, tried to swoop in to save the day, but I was stubborn and wanted to go alone. When prom finally came my amazing friend, who also went stag, became my pseudo date and made me take pictures with him so I wouldn’t be alone. We called ourselves, Bond, James Bond, and his Bond girl and I had a blast busting moves on the dance floor, dancing with who ever I wanted and not getting into a fight with my date. Looking back at it now, I wonder if Bond would have danced with me (which I asked him to do) if things would have changed, with all that prom air floating around. Would we still have been just friends or would there have been a spark on my side that I didn’t see before then? Would my outlook on my other guy friends have changed into wanting to pursue feelings that were pushed aside out of not wanted to interrupt the easiness of a friendship?

All this just from listening to one folk song! One song about leaving a gathering of friends with hopes of seeing them again in the near future. A song that took me back to when times were simple and I decided to hang with dudes because they were easier to get along with. I miss those times and I miss those friends. I’m chose to not text him again and wait it out. I decided that the song to me wasn’t a goodbye or a see you later, it was a new perspective on relationships that could have been if I wasn’t so blind. With that I leave you, “Good night and joy be with you all.”

-AMP