The Girls Room

Friday night: drinks, friends, and music.

Not enough food in my system leads to over dramatic AMP.

Gone to the bathroom to pee and boom enter my new BFF. Girls you know who I’m talking about the one girl you meet in the bathroom that tells you you’re pretty or they like something of yours. Well this was a little bit different…

Her name was Ashley and within two seconds my friend and I were invited into a stall with her to talk about why I was upset. Yup, no boundaries were spared during this encounter and to be honest nobody cared. For some stupid reason I got myself all worked up about how I don’t think I can be loved. Past relationships were brought up and Ashley had nothing but nice and encouraging things to say to me without even knowing who I was. She said that the guy I’m with now, clearly loves me and don’t let exes keep a hold on you because their part of the past for a reason. Now mind you I had to ask my friend who got dragged into this little powwow why I was upset because I clearly didn’t remember, lets just call it a brownout, you know when you only remember parts of your night. Yeah..

I ended up getting this girls number and I remember her saying text me and we can talk more about this because I’ve been going through the same thing. I told her I was going to write about her in my blog and I’ve decided to send it to her as well. Hey Ashley, thanks for being a trooper and saying such kind words from what I remember and what I was told. There needs to be more girls like you in the world who are genuine to people they don’t even know.

The rest of the night I was a basic hot mess. I couldn’t stop crying and eventually admitted I was exhausted. There was only one other time this has happened, minus many drinks involved. That time was when I mentally checked out. I couldn’t understand why I was feeling sad, unloved, and not worthy of love. I cried to my mom for hours about how I don’t want to end up divorced like many people in our family. I said I didn’t understand how someone who loves you can hurt you so badly. I told her I was mentally and physically done and that I just wanted to go away, which freaked her out because she thought I wanted to kill myself. I would never do that just to be clear. I just felt like I was being suffocated all at once by my insecurities: am I pretty enough, can somebody love me for the rest of my life , am I good enough for someone?

SNAP OUT OF IT! I am good enough, pretty enough, and clearly capable of love. I deserve to be free from the past and my fears. I can’t let them cripple me and I won’t. Ashley’s advice made me get a grip, well maybe not at the time, but seriously my eyes are wide open to the problem. Sometimes it takes a complete stranger for you to actually listen. Sometimes we need to have embarrassing breakdowns to get a clear head. Sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and just let all that negative crap out. Seriously. This post is dedicated to those who’ve ever felt like this and to all the Ashley’s us girls encounter in the bathroom!




Everything at Once or Nothing at All

HOLY COW! This has been an incredible week so far. Besides having Monday off, thank you President’s Day, I got emails back from two internships. One said I can start right away and it’s a remote internship so I can do it from anywhere and the other was a chance for an interview. Both are unpaid, but I wasn’t expecting payment anyways. I started the remote one today with having to edit a blog post, how convenient! Nerve wracking, but exhilarating. The other was for a phone interview today and I think it went well. You never know what the people on the other end are thinking so I’ll keep you guys updated.

Any who, after a couple of months with sending cover letters and my resume to internships and only going on one interview, this is a relief. I am so grateful for the opportunities that have come my way and for my career advisors at SNHU! They seriously rock! My goal is to learn as much as possible in the publishing world and if I get both internships I will learn the literary agency side, as well as the publicity side, which I am working with right now. I eventually want to be a writer, but that can be put off as I learn the ins and outs of publishing.

On another note I had a thought the other day about the standards in how people look in the corporate world. Why must they look so boring? They always have to be so clean-cut and I don’t get that. If you have all the credentials and a great work ethic, but have tattoos and different colored hair, you’ll get passed up by someone who isn’t as qualified just because of the way you look. I don’t think you should change your uniqueness just to fit in and be another drone of corporate. You should be able to express yourself through whatever you want. I recently got my hair dyed an oil slick style, its subtle but still is too the point. I’m not afraid of showing that I’m not like everyone else because life is too short to have boring hair. You either take me all or nothing because I refuse to let the man get me down.


Music To My Ears

Recently I saw two art forms that reminded me of how real music sounds like. The first being La La Land and the second seeing Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox. Both of these have jazz influences and brought me back to how real artist are.

They believe that real music is felt not just heard. They don’t stand on stage with their lips pressed on the microphone, they take you on a journey and let you peek inside their window of pain or glory. Even playing an instrument isn’t just playing notes, it’s painting them for all of us to see.

La La Land immediately made me want to go to a jazz club. No structure, just play. Yes of course you go to a concert now and artist have solos as well, but nothing beats hearing someone wail on a saxophone or dancing across those ivories. A lot of people don’t like jazz music, they say it’s to chaotic, but isn’t that the point. Isn’t that life? Before even seeing this movie I had a jazz station set on my radio and I find it relaxing or energetic depending on what’s playing. Hearing the rawness of jazz just makes you feel human. There are no right or wrong notes, it just is.

Which leads me to the concert. My best friend got me tickets to see Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox and honestly they left me with hope for real musicians. Some of the singers have been contestants on American Idol while others were equally talented vocalists. A little background, PMJ was started in NJ in Scott Bradlee’s basement. He just wanted to take songs of today and set them in past eras, from the 20’s-50’s. I fell in love with, well it’s hard to say them because there are many different artists, but anyway I fell in love with their version of “Creep” featuring Haley Reinhart. It’s bluesy, sultry, and heart wrenching, both vocals and music wise. After seeing the show I fell even more in love with the lineup they brought and their versions of “Call me Maybe, “Stacy’s Mom”, and even “Mmmbop”. This singers pleaded their souls with every song and the musicians were extraordinary! They got to show off there skills with solos in multiple songs and their was even a tap dancer who acted as part of the percussion. The audience sang to every song, danced along in their seats, and hoot and hollered with “Yassss” and “Woo!” towards notes that were being hit or just because. There was no pyrotechnics and no fancy dance breaks. Instead the whole cast spread their contagious love for music and genuinely enjoyed every second they were on stage.

Those are the concerts I love to go to. Where the band sweat every once of their performance because they lay it all out their. Where the vocalists take you to a place that you see their emotions. Not where an artist stands in front of a mic for two hours stoned or too drunk to play. Not where the theatrics are more important than the music, with the exception of Gaga because she puts on one hell of a show and we know she can sing from the Oscar’s a couple of years ago.

I guess what I’m trying to say is the roots of music are lacking in today’s music. The younger generation are growing up with an appreciation for “dance” music, which if that’s your fancy good for you. Don’t get me wrong I dance to today’s hits when I go out but nothing beats sitting in a small venue and really seeing the music come to life.



I bet you were thinking I was going to write the V word because of today’s date. Well truth is, I never liked this “holiday” and I have a boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to splurge on something vomited with red, pink, & white to remind the person I love that I love them especially on February 14th.

I bet you were thinking I was going to write the V word because of today’s date. Well truth is, I never liked this “holiday” and I have a boyfriend. I don’t feel the need to splurge on something vomited with red, pink, & white to remind the person I love that I love them especially on February 14th. I don’t expect flowers or to go to a fancy restaurant for dinner. In fact, the past two years there just so happen to be Devils games and I have asked my boyfriend to go. Literally I said “What are you doing February 14th?” He asked, “I don’t know what’s February 14th? I responded with, “Well its Valentine’s Day, but more importantly its a Tuesday and there’s a Devils game. Can you go?” He obviously responded yes, so that’s our plans. No pressure for gifts, no stress on if the night will be a perfect one filled with love and admiration, oh and don’t get me started on people who get engaged today. Like seriously dude…can you be any less original?

Besides the pressure and stress on couples, lets realize that the single people of the universe get a huge slap in the face because of all the PDA that goes on this glorious day. They are reminded that they haven’t found someone to share love with, which leads to their parents asking “Are you dating anyone? You’re not getting any younger you know.” Ugh, thanks card company. Oh, oh, and now the day before is “Galentine’s Day”. What the hell is that? Just another reminder to your single friends that you can’t hang out with them on the 14th because you’ll be with your boyfriend. What about the gays? Is there a Brolentine’s Day? No…why…because it sounds stupid! Celebrate and adore the one you love everyday. Show that you love them with small things throughout the year, as oppose to a blowout on one day. You’re wallet will thank you later. Rant over!

Now I must say sorry for being on a hiatus. The past week has been a whirlwind of chaos. I lost my Aunt in her battle with cancer and it hit me real hard. Too many people are dying from this and “they” say that there is no cure. I think that’s total bullshit. There’s so many different forms of cancer and we haven’t found a cure for any of them? Nothing can kill this disease that doesn’t care who you are or how old you are? I don’t believe it. I think that its just easier for the government to watch people die from cancer than save lives because America is overpopulated. Its a death wish just like when you join the military, you never know if you’ll come back from it, but who cares you’re fighting for your country. What are we even fighting for right now? At least people who have cancer are fighting for themselves to survive until the next holiday or someone’s wedding. They have no choice in what this disease does to their body, it just eats away at you until its won. How can you not get angry that there is no cure yet? There’s millions of dollars that go towards walks and research and still there’s nothing?

It seems like these past couple of months anyone who’s died, has died from some type of cancer. My uncle, two of my friends dad’s, my aunt. It gets really depressing. Its hard to just sit there and accept that there is nothing you can do for the person who is fighting. You can pray, spend as much time with them as you can, but in a second they are gone and you’ll still have regrets on not seeing them more often. You’ll blame yourself, the doctors, God, anyone and everyone. What we need to realize is that when they pass, they are finally free. There’s no more pain, no more needles going into them, no more hoping that a miracle would happen and they’d be cancer free for the rest of their lives. They are now looking down on us and smiling because we don’t have to see them deteriorate before our eyes anymore and if you don’t believe in heaven then you think they’ll be reborn as something or someone else. And if you don’t believe in any of that then you at least know that they are released of their demons.

This week has been a reminder of where my priorities are and who they are with. Every time there is a funeral everyone thinks I have to make more time for family or to see this person more often, but do we really do it? Do we succeed in making plans to see these people once or twice a month? Do we stop coming home just to do nothing and go over so and so’s house? I’m hoping to see people more often and all of us making the time instead of having plans that fall through. Especially family, these are the ones who stick by you no matter what. Anyway, I hope ya’ll have a happy Tuesday and tell the people that you love them everyday and not just today!



All we need is love…

I’ve recently watched a movie called Cyberbully and I couldn’t help but think, thank goodness I grew up during a time where social media wasn’t a huge deal. Bullying has always been around, however there are so many more outlets now that people can spread rumors or make fun of someone on. While watching this movie I couldn’t help but think how many people have committed or thought about committing suicide from being bullied. How do people get joy out of making others feel miserable about themselves? What happened to them that they feel the need to do this?

In a previous post I have admitted on being a victim of having rumors spread about me. I have to say in this case it wasn’t a malicious attack. I liked one of my guy friends, someone said we were dating, he stopped talking to me, and my friends started to ignore me because they had a crush on the same guy. Did I get depression from this? No. Was I pissed? Hell yeah! That’s middle school for ya! So and so said blah, blah, blah, and everyone believed it instead of going to the source for the truth. You know what….it’s still not okay.

When I was young I went to a dancing school outside of my city at the age of seven. Shortly after I was asked to be on the competition team and all anybody could think was that I got on because the director knew my mom. Instead of being welcomed I was blatantly secluded during practices when we were asked to go in the other room and run the dance or moves we just learned. Its tough when you become a fourth person in a tight trio. My love for dance helped me push through, but as the years went on more people were added to the group and welcomed with open arms by my “teammates”. I get that I didn’t live close to hang out on the regular and they did include me in dance outings, but they always grouped in a corner and whispered. No matter how much I tried to be friends, it just felt fake or forced. One year for my birthday they made it out to seem like they forgot it, when usually we’d get a card and balloons. I felt stupid and insignificant. I always chipped in on their birthdays, what the hell did I do to be overlooked? After class was over they finally revealed balloons and a card, saying something along the lines of, “we got you.”

Was I supposed to be relieved? I felt like screaming. I hated feeling like a project they were semi interested in. I didn’t have that popular gene in my body like the rest of them had. I wasn’t trying to impress anyone, I just wanted to dance. I remember getting into my mom’s car one night saying, “I don’t know if I want to dance anymore”. She couldn’t believe what I said and immediately asked why and what happened. I told her the team made me feel like an outsider and I hated it. Being the loving mom, she said it was up to me. The more I thought about it, the more I’d get pissed that I’d let people come between my love for dance. I ultimately decided that I wouldn’t let them get to me and if they kept shutting me out I’d just work harder. That seemed to get them off my back and start to make an effort in being friends.

Soon after I got them off my back, their next victim came walking in. I noticed right away how they excluded her and I made it a point to get to know her. She was different from everyone, just like me, so I understood her. Unfortunately they got to her worse than me. She isolated herself and seemed to start a spiral into depression and an eating disorder. I graduated shortly after leaving all that behind. Or so I thought…

I went off to college and joined the dance ensemble and dance team my first semester. The people were extremely nice and I thought I finally have a dance family that I’ll feel included in. The girls I became close to left after a couple of semesters and I was left with the new tide rolling in. I went from one of the loved dancers to being pushed out again because of my love for dance. I didn’t make excuses, I did whatever the choreographers wanted me to do without question. That’s what I learned, so I couldn’t believe how many times I heard, “I can’t do that, you have to change it, I have bad (insert body part here)”. If you’re not going to give 100% than don’t be in a dance ensemble. That sounds harsh, but it was how I felt at the time. Certain dancers thought I took it to seriously, well yeah this was my life, my career.

I graduated and went on to a program in the city where another student auditioned and got in also. I was livid because I wanted to experience something by myself without drama. I became just like my teammates in thinking she didn’t deserve to be there. I somehow became a bully and made smart comments under my breath when she made a mistake. Who am I? Why was I doing this? I think I just didn’t get how she got into the same program when my dance technique was clearly better than hers. Better than hers. What the hell was wrong with me?! My competitive nature got the best of me and I made a few enemies in the program. I couldn’t wait for it to over.

With my certification done I got asked to be apart of a company with other dancers I had danced with in college. No brainer, of course! I couldn’t wait to keep dancing and see everyone again. With rehearsals underway and everything flowing smoothly I thought this is great! Finally a place to just dance. After the first show we did another, this time I saw that specific people were being picked for specific dancers no matter their talent. It became extremely biased on friendship and I was only picked for two or three numbers out of ten. Am I that difficult to work with? I know its not my dance ability. I started to feel secluded and after three shows decided to withdrawal from future shows. I wasn’t going to let people get to me again and get in the way of dance. I wasn’t going to feel unworthy.

When I found out that Lady Gaga became an advocate for bullying, because she herself was, I was ecstatic! Finally someone who made herself into something when everyone said she’d be nothing. She proved them all wrong and her fan base are a bunch of little monsters who are all different types of weird. A perfect fit for me. I’m a weirdo, I know. I enjoy singing and dancing where ever I can and I am a goofy goober. I don’t want to be perfect or want to impress everyone. I don’t feel the need to love the latest trends and I grew up with a diverse group of family and friends. I don’t discriminate against anyone because I believe people should love who they want to and be who they want to. Gaga’s music tells a story and she is 100% a true artist. She struggled, but still keeps it real. She was a victim  of sexual assault, multiple eating disorders, and bullying throughout her life. She is not afraid to speak up for those who can’t and her Super Bowl performance was definitely top three of all time.

Which brings me to today, political correctness is ruining this country, people feeling the need to tell others who they can or can’t love is ruining this country, and coming in hot for round two: sexism is ruining this country. Why can’t we all get paid equally? Why can’t men be stay at home dads without their egos getting bruised? Why can’t people let others be themselves without judgement? This world needs love and understanding that everything doesn’t need to be understood. Stop bullying people you don’t get and give them a chance. The world would finally be able to breathe and that is all we need.



Just Be

Why is it that when the moon is bright we try to capture it in a photo? Instead, can’t we just be?

The moon smiled at me tonight as I drove home, it’s secret guarded by the halo emanating off of it. The shape was of the Cheshire cat, all that was missing were those yellow eyes.

Why is it that when the moon is bright we try to capture it in a photo? Instead, can’t we just be? Everything has to be videod or photographed….isn’t the memory more alive when you think back at it? Or do we do it so our minds won’t misconstrue what we see?

Although one person’s perspective is never the same as another’s. We can interpret something as simple as what’s out the window an infinity amount of times. Right now I see the stars peeking out of the navy sky, while another person might just see the apartments across the way. Is it just me or do others look at the sky and realize there is a whole other universe out there and we are a small speck?

I remember as a kid laying on the grass and observing the clouds slowly passing by. I thought this is a reminder that Earth spins while we live our life, this grounded me and made me take in the happenings all around. The breeze kissing my skin, the grass that collapsed from my body, the color of the trees; it’s bark and leaves.

We all should appreciate nature more. Close our eyes and get lost in the sound of the neighborhood. Go camping and leave our devices at home. See the Utopia that is staring at us, but we are too blinded by technology to see it. Instead of capturing a sunset, just watch it. Take it all in: the colors, the way the sun descends into the horizon, the change in temperature.

This generation of kids need this the most. Disconnect from the cyber world and look around. They need to not get so caught up in selfies,, and snapchat. Parents should take cell phones, tablets, and any other electronic devices away for a couple of hours and sit outside with them or go on mini adventures. Remind them that there is so much to see outside of the glowing screen their hypnotized by. Stop and just be. Take a deep breathe and just be. Just be.


The Parting Glass

Is it a sad song of a goodbye or is it a song to say see you later?

Take a listen to this song….



Beautiful right? So what exactly is the meaning of it? Is it a sad song of a goodbye or is it a song to say see you later? The meaning of the word and phrase are very different. Goodbye is more formal and final compared to see you later, which is more casual and commonly said when in fact seeing someone later.

So what started my mind wondering about the meaning of this Irish/Scottish folk song? Well, a friend of mine randomly sent it to me. This is someone who was in my life during high school and continued to pop in and out over the years. We’ve recently reconnected a couple of months ago and randomly send texts here and there catching up, basically trying to include each other in our lives again. After listening to it the first time I thought, this guy has a great instrument, his voice glides over every word, like butter melting over a baked potato. Then I listened to it again and paid close attention to the lyrics, because I’m a girl and overanalyze everything, I started to panic and think is this a way of saying goodbye? Or is this just a song they liked and wanted to send it.

So it true AMP fashion, I text said friend this:

Okay I’m dying, why did you send me that song? You know my brain I can’t just listen to something without over analyzing it haha. I thought maybe it was because you were peacing out of my life again, but this time intentionally lol or was it just a nice song to have me listen too and I’m just being crazy?

That was around 10pm Monday and I haven’t heard a thing. Now after going back and finding it on soundcloud again I noticed there were other posts, so I took a listen. How dumb of me! This is probably his station and his cover of the song. He always had a great voice, but I couldn’t pin this to him because of the accent he used while singing. Should I text again and say, “OMG I just realized its your voice! Disregard that message!” or wait for an answer haha.

Honestly, this song made me think about other relationships…even ones that weren’t a thought during the time. I’ve always been the girl who gets along better with guys, trust issues started in middle school with catty girls (God forbid you’re friends with a guy you like and don’t pursue it because you don’t want the friendship to get ruined. People just have to butt in and ruin a good friendship by telling your guy friend that you like them, just to have them stop talking to you), I’ve never been the same.

Quick insight I was a driven person, one who was focused on dance and didn’t have time to date boys, instead I just fantasized about it. I had more guy friends than girl friends in high school and the girls I made friends with, except the three I’m still friends with today, always got in the way of relationships, so I gave them a grand exit out of my life. I was easy to get along with, a go with the flow kind of person. I could spend a Friday night with a guy friend driving to nowhere just to park and look out the sunroof at stars or go over their house and listen to them play guitar with no added pressure. Conversation always flowed and it was never awkward to say goodbye, because there was no anticipation of a kiss. I was blinded by a long time crush, who was more of a man-whore, over great guys sitting right in front of me.

After graduating high school, I saw old friends at parties, at trips to AC, and of course got messages on FB asking how I’ve been. All these encounters had one thing in common, them saying, “You know I wanted to ask you out during high school, but you were so driven that I knew you wouldn’t have time for me.” Here I thought I wasn’t liked by many guys in high school, because I was always the friend or the girl who danced, and little did I know even popular guys had crushes on me. Was I that blind? How much more different would my life had been if I noticed? I was frustrated at them for telling me all these years later, instead of then and of course I was always dating someone at the time of these unveilings. Would I have secured a prom date well in advance, instead of asking a junior only to find out how sleazy he was and take back the invite a couple of weeks before prom?

Prom! Oh lord, word got out fast that I didn’t have a date and honestly I was hoping at the time my crush came to the rescue. To no surprise he asked a junior and my guy friends, the gentlemen they were, tried to swoop in to save the day, but I was stubborn and wanted to go alone. When prom finally came my amazing friend, who also went stag, became my pseudo date and made me take pictures with him so I wouldn’t be alone. We called ourselves, Bond, James Bond, and his Bond girl and I had a blast busting moves on the dance floor, dancing with who ever I wanted and not getting into a fight with my date. Looking back at it now, I wonder if Bond would have danced with me (which I asked him to do) if things would have changed, with all that prom air floating around. Would we still have been just friends or would there have been a spark on my side that I didn’t see before then? Would my outlook on my other guy friends have changed into wanting to pursue feelings that were pushed aside out of not wanted to interrupt the easiness of a friendship?

All this just from listening to one folk song! One song about leaving a gathering of friends with hopes of seeing them again in the near future. A song that took me back to when times were simple and I decided to hang with dudes because they were easier to get along with. I miss those times and I miss those friends. I’m chose to not text him again and wait it out. I decided that the song to me wasn’t a goodbye or a see you later, it was a new perspective on relationships that could have been if I wasn’t so blind. With that I leave you, “Good night and joy be with you all.”