Cha Cha Cha Changes

In the past 5 months.

Lost:

Love, passion, soulmate, home.

Gained:

Adventure, interest, wanderlust, confidence.

The same time that I fell out of love, I gained a new adventure in my career. The same time I started losing my passion for dance, I gained more interest in pursuing writing. I traveled to Hawaii, caught the travel bug and now am itching to go explore, something I have often put on the backburner. I’ve discovered who I am NOW, have been more confident about what I want lately, yet still yearn for a someone to experience life with. My bestfriend moved across the country making her a six and a half flight away rather than an hour and a half drive, but luckily our phone skills are on point.

Changes haven’t always been my strong point. I’ve always stayed closer to home, stayed in my comfort zone, and kept my aspirations contained. Now all I want to do is get lost in a new city, immerse myself with the locals, and gain life experiences instead of trudging through it like a robot.

Today is my sorta day off so I finally got to sleep in and you know what I wasn’t ashamed to do so. I slept until noon, something I used to do often before starting my 9–5 job….I miss it. Anyway, I got a notification on my LinkedIn account like I do everyday, however, this one post really struck me. Bianca Jackson posted “I quit my 9–5 job. I felt victorious,” to which I was all like You go girl!, but then I kept reading, “What scares me the most in life is NOT having enough money but rather not living and walking in my purpose. Life is not a stage rehearsal but rather the play in action. Will you be the star you were meant to be or cruise through life as the understudy to your greatness?” DAMN.

Just take a second a let that sink in.

Those last two lines have my head spinning. Am I really going to continue to let my jobs run my life? Am I willing to sacrifice more of it to help others succeed? What about me? Who is rooting for me to be happy? Is that a selfish thing to do? HOLD UP! What better time to be selfish than now? I’m still young enough to go out travel, better myself. I’m not married nor do I have kids, something I thought I’d have by now if you asked 16 year old me, but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt with. So why not now? Why not up and run with life?

The control freak in me is saying: money, students, family. All things I’ve put in front of my own happiness. There is only so much they can do for you. If I’m being totally honest dance isn’t my happy place anymore. It’s exhausting. I recently had a conversation with my old dance teacher and she put it perfectly, “Dance is being turned into a sport, it’s all about the tricks, and no longer an art.” How true is that? People don’t get that dance is art. It is an expression for those who can’t speak their mind. It is a pain reliever for those who’ve lost their way. Its an escape. Granted I have some students who get that, but its only a handful out of the hundreds I teach.

So now what? Well, I have a creative writing degree that I’m currently doing nothing with. I’m stuck at a marketing job that is great extra money, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I have no time to do anything because I work constantly to pay the bills. All of my friends for the most part have 9–5 jobs or are married. I am still using the phrase, “ I can’t I have dance,” when they ask about hanging out. I’m frustrated beyond belief with my life being run by my jobs rather than myself. And all that’s going on in my head is “Something has changed within me, something is not the same…”I’m just tried of missing out on life. I’m tired of my life right now ruining relationships because I have no time. I’m tired of not loving what I do anymore. I’m just plain tired. Something needs to happen. Something needs to change.

-AMP

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Restless

So I am sitting at work, doing my tasks, getting things done and all that’s on my mind is how I don’t know what I want to do in life. 

Sure this job is great, but it’s not something I want to do forever. I’m getting restless and aggravated over the littlest things. I feel trapped and desperately wish that I could take a year and soul search. 

A Bachelor’s in creative writing should mean endless opportunities, so how come when looking for jobs most of them are for teaching or medical content writing? Neither of which I am interested in. To quote Belle, “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!” I don’t want to be stuck at an office job the rest of my life either. 

I’ve considering applying for a job that pays you to travel and write about the new cities you discover for a year, but I have so many things tying me down here. I’m 29 and still lost at what I want to be when I grow up. Should I have taken school more serious back in high school instead of living in a fantasy world of being a star one Broadway or a dancer for a pop star?  Should I have tried harder to make that come true? My friends know that I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so maybe that didn’t happen because I’m not meant to perform. Teaching dance is great, but even that I’m not sure I want to do forever anymore. 

Right now I just think my spirit is broken and I’m in one of those tall ditches that seem impossible to get out of. It’s like I’m waiting for some kind of sign to say “hey here is what you are meant to do, now do it!” Honestly, I hope I figure it out soon. I’m not looking for handouts because I’ve always worked for what I’ve gotten, but any sign that shoves me in the right direction I am open to welcoming.  That’s all for now. 

-AMP

Leaving

Here’s to a new voyage. One that will only bring light. Where the only dimming is from sunsets. And you can leave all your troubles behind. 

I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things as I leave and as much as I hate change, it is exactly what I need. 

Pulled in many directions, it’s time to find my path. On this journey I have to choose what’s best for me. Be selfish for once. Listen to what my gut tells me. 

I’m not an uber religious person, but I have been strongly influenced by this passage. So I leave you with this:

-AMP

Okay.

Broken.

Another piece of her heart was gone.

With so much to give, she couldn’t understand why she deserved this.

Her big heart.

Her kind soul.

What made it okay to crush them?

How could she be so easy to walk away from?

…..they always walk away.

Who said it was okay for you to make her feel like this?

You loved her.

You said you’d do anything for her,

yet you turned your back on her.

You made promises you couldn’t keep.

You gave her hope.

Hope of a love she wouldn’t regret,

a love she wouldn’t miss.

You messed with her head.

Just like every other “man” in her life.

She trusted you….

she trusted you.

She stopped eating.

Cried herself to sleep at night.

Felt numb.

Worthless.

She was angry.

Angry that she let you do this to her,

that she let this go on way too long.

Angry that she kept pushing the signs to the back of her mind,

because, because she wanted this to be it so badly.

….she wanted this.

But you let her down.

You pushed her away.

You made her feel small,

like she wasn’t good enough,

like she wasn’t capable of real love.

And then you lied.

You lied straight to her face.

You made her believe that there was still a chance.

How dare you….

How dare you.

She deserves better.

She won’t let you have that power over her.

Not anymore.

She sees that now.

She’s hurting less.

She’s learning to love who she is.

Her mind is understanding that you were a lesson.

A lesson of the good times you shared,

what she doesn’t want to feel like,

and what she needs to work on.

She eats.

She goes to bed in peace.

Her wounds are healing.

She can look at herself without being disgusted.

She can see who she is, who she wants to be, and who she’ll become.

She is growing.

She is surviving.

She will be okay.

 

 

 

Energy is EVERYTHING

Tonight I went to an energy healing seminar. I know what you’re thinking that’s some hocus pocus stuff, energy is just what we have in our body. If that’s your mindset, be prepared to have your mind blown!

Our thoughts and emotions control our life. An example that was given is you’re at work and your energy vibration is high and then in walks in that person and your whole mood shifts with your energy vibration drops down. Maybe it’s because they got that promotion that you wanted or because they just have a presence that isn’t as high as yours. So what do you do? You keep your energy high, which sounds really hard but in reality is relatively easy if you know how.

The host asked for a volunteer and I was picked. She checked my Reiki level by having me straighten my arm out to the side and as she pushes down I push up. I pressed against her meeting her level. Next, she asked me to think of something sad, something that made me feel unworthy, that caused me pain, and asked me to close my eyes. I put my arm out to the side, she pushed down, and I pressed up with all my might but couldn’t push against the light weight. My fellow attendees gasped. Then she asked to think of something that brought me joy, she said think of graduation, how proud you felt of completing your degree. I did, again I closed my eyes, and as she pushed down I pressed right up to her level again. I heard wows from the crowd. My energy level bottomed thinking of the trauma which made me weak and than spiked back up after thinking of a positive moment. I can’t explain it and if you don’t understand what just happened than you’d have to see it.

The seminar talked about a couple of the energy systems of the human body that could contain energy and filter it out: The Meridians, Chakras, and your Aura. Now if you are still reading and you’re thinking “oh lord another one who’s gone down the rabbit hole”, hear me out. Each of these systems hold different concentrations for energy. For instance, there are seven chakras and each center a specific energy. Without getting too into it the chakras line up within the body: the lowest chakra is the root:grounding and is the base for survival, the middle chakra would be the heart: love inner peace, and the highest being the crown: spirituality connection. Does this make sense to you? If any of these are blocked then our energy stops flowing freely and this could lead to illness or stress. By clearing them we can open up the blockage and become rejuvenated.

 

The next slide was about what energy therapies do. What’s energy therapy? Well they help bring the universal energy of body/mind back into balance. It helps you change your perspective and you can find a deep sense of relaxation. The five we learned about were: Reiki, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Tapas Acupressure Technique, Crystals, and Meditation & Mindfulness. All these you can do on your own after learning the proper way to perform them.

Reiki: helps your body relieve stress and tension but channeling the universal life force energy  through the chakras and meridian layers. It is a Japanese technique and requires light touching of the body. An example that the host used was about her mother who had a tumor the size of a grapefruit. She had 3 sessions a week and when her mom went back to the doctor it was the size of a walnut, but now there was a black spot on her lung. The host was surprised to hear how small the tumor was and felt confident that she could remove the tumor and the spot and after 2 weeks they both disappeared, with no outside treatment. If that doesn’t scream “IT WORKS” I don’t know what does.

EFT: helps you get the emotions out of the way by tapping directly on the brow, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, under the lip, collarbone, underneath the arm, and on the side of your hand. Each representing different emotions and tapped three times can bring you to confront what your hurting, anxious, or stressed about.

TAT: uses “poses” to connect the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Use this to free from trauma, negative belief, or physical disease through focusing on specific statements. It’s especially excellent if you do not know the origin of the problem. The example was having a panic attack on driving, she couldn’t drive all she could focus on was getting hit by a truck or driving off the road. After using this therapy she calmed down and was able to drive within 20 minutes.

Crystals: are nature’s ways of helping and healing. There are seven different crystals that give you what you need.

I hope you are still with me because if you are still skeptical you might start believing now.

When we first got to the seminar we had to pick on intuition a crystal from a box. I was immediately drawn to this light bluish green one, without knowing what it meant.  After I picked it I got read to me what it stands for and what crystal it was. Amazonite: a stone of truth, honor, communication, integrity, hope and trust. It is said to enhance intuition, psychic powers, creativity, intellect, and psychic ability. It is often associated with the throat chakra, and as such, said to be beneficial to communication. Helps one to move beyond fear of judgment or confrontation with others. It provides the freedom to express one’s thoughts and feelings, and to set strong and clear boundaries.

For those of you who know me I tend to bite my tongue, which is never good because things keep piling up until one day you just explode and the problem isn’t fixable anymore. (Every problem is fixable if both parties want to fix it.) Anyway, I thought to myself this is exactly what I need right now because I am on a journey to getting to know myself again and not being afraid to communicate my thoughts to those who need it to be heard. I’m tired of getting walked all over and people not being interested in what I have to say. So if you’re me your thinking this is so true! I plan on wearing mine and letting it give me what I need in situations I’m too afraid to speak up about.

The last one (I promise) is Meditation & Mindfulness: meditation rebalances your energy by calming your mind free of radicals. You can start by focusing on a work or your breath for five minutes a day and see the results. However, the ego can be stubborn so keep working at it until you shut it up. Mindfulness is awareness in the present moment without judgement. This is very important because you can be mindful by simply talking in nature and its beauty, but if you think “well that tree is crooked and can break on my fence” than you’re not being mindful because you are judging and not just being. Slow down and enjoy the little things.

Some of my favorite quotes from the seminar:

“As you intend, so you create.”

“The body is the battlefield for the war games of the mind.”

“The body bears the burden.”

I do apologize for such a long post, but I did want to share this information because there are other options for self healing than going to see a doctor who is just going to prescribe you some kind of drug. I have used EFT and am interested in using some of these techniques as well. I’ll do a follow up post in the future. Thanks for making it to the end!

-AMP

Links to learn more:

http://www.emofree.com

http://www.tatlife.net

http://www.reiki.org

http://www.mindfulnessnj.com

http://www.hibiscusmoon.com

Book Recommendations:

Vibrational Medicine

Power v. Force

Any Crystal Books

Tapping into Joy

5/19-21

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with happiness that you feel like nothing could bring you down?

Then you obviously don’t drive a vehicle. My whole weekend was filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. Friday was opening night of the play my mom and I choreographed and my phone buzzed with results of my mini soloist who got 9th overall and other awards at the competition. Saturday was my best friend’s wedding in PA. It was beautiful, oozed them in every detail, and my phone blew up from my students and their parents telling me my mini tap number won 1st place overall, in their category, I won a Choreography Award, and they got a Golden Ticket to World’s. I was over the moon! They also let me know my other number got 5th overall as well.  Seriously! I couldn’t believe the craziness! My bff looked stunning and I was so grateful to be apart of such a beautiful and loving day.

Now Sunday…..oh good ole Sunday. I woke up packed my things and trucked to North Jersey for the final day of competition; the one day I could make it. I get there, the girls do a fantastic job in not only my numbers but all of them. I’m incredibly proud of my soloist for her amazing job, each performance got better and better. My older group placed 5th overall and I couldn’t be happier. Ya ready for this….

I get in my car to leave and notice that the temperature gauge is over the halfway mark, so I said a little pray asking to get to my next destination safely. I get on the parkway and thud-thud-thud-thud-thud, my car is shaking and my hood starts smoking. Great so I put my 4 ways on and move over to the right shoulder and park. I call my mom no answer, I call my uncle and he’s not home. Finally I get my mom on the phone, tell her what’s going on while trying not to cry and she tells me help is on the way.

Well so we thought, AAA was crazy busy (of course), and everyone else was too. So the next best thing, my knight in shining armor, Uncle Chuck came to rescue me! We tried to get the gauge down but nothing was working, so we risk it trying to push through. Yeah….a couple miles later my car said a big eff you to the both of us and we had no choice but to park it on the shoulder again. Making a quick decision, I placed a note on the car listing a phone number to call and stating that it broke down, hopped in his car, and left it.

I called my Uncles told them the destination of my dead car and barely made it to the beginning of closing day of the play. Positive: the play was a success and I was distracted by the chaos of closing (if you’re in theater you know what I’m talking about). After clean up the directors, crew, and I went out to celebrate….not knowing I was going to end up in tears of course.

Here we go: My uncle’s can’t find the car anywhere, they said that they called the police station and they impounded it for being left in the middle of the left lane. Now I know for a fact that I didn’t leave it in the left lane because 1 we were driving in the right lane and 2 we left it on the right shoulder with a note. Now I’m freaking out because I don’t even want to think about how much money I’m going to have to dish out for any of this. I get off the phone and explain everything to the group, cry it out, and eventually calm down. I have a witness that I was definitely in the right lane and a snapchat picture (thank you social media).

After this my mom and I go to see my uncle’s and they said that I have to call the police station. The short of it is, the towing company took my car further north, but here’s the funny thing, they picked up the wrong car. The same brand and color broke down a couple of exits before mine did, in the left lane and was abandoned. No freaking way! So they picked up the wrong car, impounded mine and when we got on the phone with the towing company they said we had to call back in the morning. Of course because they want to make money but let me tell you this, tomorrow when I go to get my car I better not be paying a dime to them. It’s not my fault they made a mistake. I’ll pay the towing to my mechanic, thanks AAA, but no way am I paying for their stupid mistake. I have to wake up extra early because I have to get my car released, towed, and then go to work all day. I tell ya with every high there is always a low.

Stay positive my friends!

-AMP

Driving

Over the years I’ve experienced a bunch of different people while driving. You’ve got the people who have major road rage for no reason, the old person who goes 25mph in the fast lane, and the impatient person who weaves in and out of people. We’ve all encountered them, but what about the people who make you smile?

Every time I go to my job and pay the toll I go in the same two lanes.  One has an older lady who greets you with a smile, tells you to drive safe and to have a great day. She instantly brightens my day by how warm she is. The other toll worker is a younger guy that always has an inviting smile and looks a little to long at me but not in a creepy way. No matter what I look like he’s looked at me like that, no makeup or full makeup. It’s nice to know a small interaction like that boosts my confidence for the day.

I remember years back I was driving home from breaking up with my boyfriend at the time and I was stopped at a red light with tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt the person next to me looking and I faced them. She mouthed, “Everything will be okay,” and gently smiled at me. A small gesture like that eased the pain a little and I was able to calm down. I said thank you and she nodded back. I never forgot that because I remember thinking, there are kind-hearted people in this world.

A couple years back I was on the highway and this car matched my speed. We made eye contact and he mouthed, “You’re beautiful”. He then proceeded to roll down his window and ask for my number as we kept driving. I laughed and speed away. That dude had some balls. I felt real good about myself after that.

I’ve also been on the other side of these encounters. I was stuck in traffic with no rush to get anywhere. I forgot what song was on the radio, but I was jamming out to it and the person next to me going the other way, who was also stuck in traffic caught me. I wasn’t even embarrassed and I continued to sing and car dance. He laughed and said thank you. I’m glad I made someone’s day turn around, because we never know what is going on in other peoples life. Maybe they need a quick pick me up to change their mood and just by being kind or goofy you can be that.

So forget the rage, rush, and go around the older people. Remember that you can make a difference in someone’s day in that couple of seconds of eye contact.

-AMP