Okay.

Broken.

Another piece of her heart was gone.

With so much to give, she couldn’t understand why she deserved this.

Her big heart.

Her kind soul.

What made it okay to crush them?

How could she be so easy to walk away from?

…..they always walk away.

Who said it was okay for you to make her feel like this?

You loved her.

You said you’d do anything for her,

yet you turned your back on her.

You made promises you couldn’t keep.

You gave her hope.

Hope of a love she wouldn’t regret,

a love she wouldn’t miss.

You messed with her head.

Just like every other “man” in her life.

She trusted you….

she trusted you.

She stopped eating.

Cried herself to sleep at night.

Felt numb.

Worthless.

She was angry.

Angry that she let you do this to her,

that she let this go on way too long.

Angry that she kept pushing the signs to the back of her mind,

because, because she wanted this to be it so badly.

….she wanted this.

But you let her down.

You pushed her away.

You made her feel small,

like she wasn’t good enough,

like she wasn’t capable of real love.

And then you lied.

You lied straight to her face.

You made her believe that there was still a chance.

How dare you….

How dare you.

She deserves better.

She won’t let you have that power over her.

Not anymore.

She sees that now.

She’s hurting less.

She’s learning to love who she is.

Her mind is understanding that you were a lesson.

A lesson of the good times you shared,

what she doesn’t want to feel like,

and what she needs to work on.

She eats.

She goes to bed in peace.

Her wounds are healing.

She can look at herself without being disgusted.

She can see who she is, who she wants to be, and who she’ll become.

She is growing.

She is surviving.

She will be okay.

 

 

 

Energy is EVERYTHING

Tonight I went to an energy healing seminar. I know what you’re thinking that’s some hocus pocus stuff, energy is just what we have in our body. If that’s your mindset, be prepared to have your mind blown!

Our thoughts and emotions control our life. An example that was given is you’re at work and your energy vibration is high and then in walks in that person and your whole mood shifts with your energy vibration drops down. Maybe it’s because they got that promotion that you wanted or because they just have a presence that isn’t as high as yours. So what do you do? You keep your energy high, which sounds really hard but in reality is relatively easy if you know how.

The host asked for a volunteer and I was picked. She checked my Reiki level by having me straighten my arm out to the side and as she pushes down I push up. I pressed against her meeting her level. Next, she asked me to think of something sad, something that made me feel unworthy, that caused me pain, and asked me to close my eyes. I put my arm out to the side, she pushed down, and I pressed up with all my might but couldn’t push against the light weight. My fellow attendees gasped. Then she asked to think of something that brought me joy, she said think of graduation, how proud you felt of completing your degree. I did, again I closed my eyes, and as she pushed down I pressed right up to her level again. I heard wows from the crowd. My energy level bottomed thinking of the trauma which made me weak and than spiked back up after thinking of a positive moment. I can’t explain it and if you don’t understand what just happened than you’d have to see it.

The seminar talked about a couple of the energy systems of the human body that could contain energy and filter it out: The Meridians, Chakras, and your Aura. Now if you are still reading and you’re thinking “oh lord another one who’s gone down the rabbit hole”, hear me out. Each of these systems hold different concentrations for energy. For instance, there are seven chakras and each center a specific energy. Without getting too into it the chakras line up within the body: the lowest chakra is the root:grounding and is the base for survival, the middle chakra would be the heart: love inner peace, and the highest being the crown: spirituality connection. Does this make sense to you? If any of these are blocked then our energy stops flowing freely and this could lead to illness or stress. By clearing them we can open up the blockage and become rejuvenated.

 

The next slide was about what energy therapies do. What’s energy therapy? Well they help bring the universal energy of body/mind back into balance. It helps you change your perspective and you can find a deep sense of relaxation. The five we learned about were: Reiki, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), Tapas Acupressure Technique, Crystals, and Meditation & Mindfulness. All these you can do on your own after learning the proper way to perform them.

Reiki: helps your body relieve stress and tension but channeling the universal life force energy  through the chakras and meridian layers. It is a Japanese technique and requires light touching of the body. An example that the host used was about her mother who had a tumor the size of a grapefruit. She had 3 sessions a week and when her mom went back to the doctor it was the size of a walnut, but now there was a black spot on her lung. The host was surprised to hear how small the tumor was and felt confident that she could remove the tumor and the spot and after 2 weeks they both disappeared, with no outside treatment. If that doesn’t scream “IT WORKS” I don’t know what does.

EFT: helps you get the emotions out of the way by tapping directly on the brow, side of the eye, under the eye, under the nose, under the lip, collarbone, underneath the arm, and on the side of your hand. Each representing different emotions and tapped three times can bring you to confront what your hurting, anxious, or stressed about.

TAT: uses “poses” to connect the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Use this to free from trauma, negative belief, or physical disease through focusing on specific statements. It’s especially excellent if you do not know the origin of the problem. The example was having a panic attack on driving, she couldn’t drive all she could focus on was getting hit by a truck or driving off the road. After using this therapy she calmed down and was able to drive within 20 minutes.

Crystals: are nature’s ways of helping and healing. There are seven different crystals that give you what you need.

I hope you are still with me because if you are still skeptical you might start believing now.

When we first got to the seminar we had to pick on intuition a crystal from a box. I was immediately drawn to this light bluish green one, without knowing what it meant.  After I picked it I got read to me what it stands for and what crystal it was. Amazonite: a stone of truth, honor, communication, integrity, hope and trust. It is said to enhance intuition, psychic powers, creativity, intellect, and psychic ability. It is often associated with the throat chakra, and as such, said to be beneficial to communication. Helps one to move beyond fear of judgment or confrontation with others. It provides the freedom to express one’s thoughts and feelings, and to set strong and clear boundaries.

For those of you who know me I tend to bite my tongue, which is never good because things keep piling up until one day you just explode and the problem isn’t fixable anymore. (Every problem is fixable if both parties want to fix it.) Anyway, I thought to myself this is exactly what I need right now because I am on a journey to getting to know myself again and not being afraid to communicate my thoughts to those who need it to be heard. I’m tired of getting walked all over and people not being interested in what I have to say. So if you’re me your thinking this is so true! I plan on wearing mine and letting it give me what I need in situations I’m too afraid to speak up about.

The last one (I promise) is Meditation & Mindfulness: meditation rebalances your energy by calming your mind free of radicals. You can start by focusing on a work or your breath for five minutes a day and see the results. However, the ego can be stubborn so keep working at it until you shut it up. Mindfulness is awareness in the present moment without judgement. This is very important because you can be mindful by simply talking in nature and its beauty, but if you think “well that tree is crooked and can break on my fence” than you’re not being mindful because you are judging and not just being. Slow down and enjoy the little things.

Some of my favorite quotes from the seminar:

“As you intend, so you create.”

“The body is the battlefield for the war games of the mind.”

“The body bears the burden.”

I do apologize for such a long post, but I did want to share this information because there are other options for self healing than going to see a doctor who is just going to prescribe you some kind of drug. I have used EFT and am interested in using some of these techniques as well. I’ll do a follow up post in the future. Thanks for making it to the end!

-AMP

Links to learn more:

http://www.emofree.com

http://www.tatlife.net

http://www.reiki.org

http://www.mindfulnessnj.com

http://www.hibiscusmoon.com

Book Recommendations:

Vibrational Medicine

Power v. Force

Any Crystal Books

Tapping into Joy

5/19-21

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with happiness that you feel like nothing could bring you down?

Then you obviously don’t drive a vehicle. My whole weekend was filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. Friday was opening night of the play my mom and I choreographed and my phone buzzed with results of my mini soloist who got 9th overall and other awards at the competition. Saturday was my best friend’s wedding in PA. It was beautiful, oozed them in every detail, and my phone blew up from my students and their parents telling me my mini tap number won 1st place overall, in their category, I won a Choreography Award, and they got a Golden Ticket to World’s. I was over the moon! They also let me know my other number got 5th overall as well.  Seriously! I couldn’t believe the craziness! My bff looked stunning and I was so grateful to be apart of such a beautiful and loving day.

Now Sunday…..oh good ole Sunday. I woke up packed my things and trucked to North Jersey for the final day of competition; the one day I could make it. I get there, the girls do a fantastic job in not only my numbers but all of them. I’m incredibly proud of my soloist for her amazing job, each performance got better and better. My older group placed 5th overall and I couldn’t be happier. Ya ready for this….

I get in my car to leave and notice that the temperature gauge is over the halfway mark, so I said a little pray asking to get to my next destination safely. I get on the parkway and thud-thud-thud-thud-thud, my car is shaking and my hood starts smoking. Great so I put my 4 ways on and move over to the right shoulder and park. I call my mom no answer, I call my uncle and he’s not home. Finally I get my mom on the phone, tell her what’s going on while trying not to cry and she tells me help is on the way.

Well so we thought, AAA was crazy busy (of course), and everyone else was too. So the next best thing, my knight in shining armor, Uncle Chuck came to rescue me! We tried to get the gauge down but nothing was working, so we risk it trying to push through. Yeah….a couple miles later my car said a big eff you to the both of us and we had no choice but to park it on the shoulder again. Making a quick decision, I placed a note on the car listing a phone number to call and stating that it broke down, hopped in his car, and left it.

I called my Uncles told them the destination of my dead car and barely made it to the beginning of closing day of the play. Positive: the play was a success and I was distracted by the chaos of closing (if you’re in theater you know what I’m talking about). After clean up the directors, crew, and I went out to celebrate….not knowing I was going to end up in tears of course.

Here we go: My uncle’s can’t find the car anywhere, they said that they called the police station and they impounded it for being left in the middle of the left lane. Now I know for a fact that I didn’t leave it in the left lane because 1 we were driving in the right lane and 2 we left it on the right shoulder with a note. Now I’m freaking out because I don’t even want to think about how much money I’m going to have to dish out for any of this. I get off the phone and explain everything to the group, cry it out, and eventually calm down. I have a witness that I was definitely in the right lane and a snapchat picture (thank you social media).

After this my mom and I go to see my uncle’s and they said that I have to call the police station. The short of it is, the towing company took my car further north, but here’s the funny thing, they picked up the wrong car. The same brand and color broke down a couple of exits before mine did, in the left lane and was abandoned. No freaking way! So they picked up the wrong car, impounded mine and when we got on the phone with the towing company they said we had to call back in the morning. Of course because they want to make money but let me tell you this, tomorrow when I go to get my car I better not be paying a dime to them. It’s not my fault they made a mistake. I’ll pay the towing to my mechanic, thanks AAA, but no way am I paying for their stupid mistake. I have to wake up extra early because I have to get my car released, towed, and then go to work all day. I tell ya with every high there is always a low.

Stay positive my friends!

-AMP

Driving

Over the years I’ve experienced a bunch of different people while driving. You’ve got the people who have major road rage for no reason, the old person who goes 25mph in the fast lane, and the impatient person who weaves in and out of people. We’ve all encountered them, but what about the people who make you smile?

Every time I go to my job and pay the toll I go in the same two lanes.  One has an older lady who greets you with a smile, tells you to drive safe and to have a great day. She instantly brightens my day by how warm she is. The other toll worker is a younger guy that always has an inviting smile and looks a little to long at me but not in a creepy way. No matter what I look like he’s looked at me like that, no makeup or full makeup. It’s nice to know a small interaction like that boosts my confidence for the day.

I remember years back I was driving home from breaking up with my boyfriend at the time and I was stopped at a red light with tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt the person next to me looking and I faced them. She mouthed, “Everything will be okay,” and gently smiled at me. A small gesture like that eased the pain a little and I was able to calm down. I said thank you and she nodded back. I never forgot that because I remember thinking, there are kind-hearted people in this world.

A couple years back I was on the highway and this car matched my speed. We made eye contact and he mouthed, “You’re beautiful”. He then proceeded to roll down his window and ask for my number as we kept driving. I laughed and speed away. That dude had some balls. I felt real good about myself after that.

I’ve also been on the other side of these encounters. I was stuck in traffic with no rush to get anywhere. I forgot what song was on the radio, but I was jamming out to it and the person next to me going the other way, who was also stuck in traffic caught me. I wasn’t even embarrassed and I continued to sing and car dance. He laughed and said thank you. I’m glad I made someone’s day turn around, because we never know what is going on in other peoples life. Maybe they need a quick pick me up to change their mood and just by being kind or goofy you can be that.

So forget the rage, rush, and go around the older people. Remember that you can make a difference in someone’s day in that couple of seconds of eye contact.

-AMP

The Norm

Enter a room with heads looking down,

atmospheres deadly trying not to get sucked in.

“Hi”

Click click click click

Send. Scroll. Swipe.

Seated.

“How was your day?”

Upload. Download. Reload

Waiting……waiting….

Exit. Tap. Scrollllllll

Ignored.

Swipe.

Across the table you’re face is a glow.

Tap tap tap.

I order.

Food comes.

Snap, snap, filter, upload.

Waiting……..

Likes, comment, eat.

“Good?”

Nod.

Check, card, leave……

Repeat.

-AMP

The Darkness Within

 ALBANY PSYCHIATRIC CENTER, ALBANY, NEW YORK-DAY

July 16, 2017

Woke up today hoping that what happened last night was just a nightmare that faded away like the ones before. Instead reality blinded me with bright white walls. I’m in an isolated room where no outside light can filter. These four white walls stare at me, not a picture in sight. The only furniture in the room is a black desk with a chair and a bed. My head is on the opposite side of where it should be and all I could do is stare at the ceiling and get lost in the events that just happen to get me here.

 

WELLS MANOR, ALBANY NEW YORK, LAST NIGHT

“They’re not real….they’re not real….just wake up…. just wake up… It’s all in your head.”  I opened my eyes to see a dark figure in front of me and yelled, “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” On the other side of the door I could hear my brother shout, “Lacie what’s going on? Open the door and talk to me!” All the blood rushed to my head and all I could hear was the pounding of my heart.

No one would believe me if I told them what has been going on ever since I was little, so I’ve always kept it to myself by writing about it. Now everyone is going to think I’m insane for just thinking I saw something that wasn’t the norm. Why now have they come out of my dreams? Did I fall asleep? Am I dreaming?

I felt a tear drop down my face before the flood of anxiety hit. “Open the door Lace! Tell me what’s going on?” he pounded at the door. Finally kicking it open Devin tried to pull me in his arms but I thought it was one of the shadows grabbing at me, so I started flailing my arms. “Open your eyes! Lacie! Open your eyes! It’s me Devin!” I kept swinging hoping to leave a mark or something, but the next swing was blocked and he threw me on the bed forcing me to look at him. “What’s going on? What happened?”, he asked breathlessly searching for answers I couldn’t give him. My eyes became wider as I saw one right behind him, but by the time Devin jumped around it disappeared.

He walked around the room looking through my closet, bathroom, and even outside the window as I sat on my bed in a catatonic state. “I don’t see anyone Lace. What did you see? Talk to me”, he sighed frustrated at the fact that he couldn’t help. Trying to shake the images of murky shadows from my mind, I covered my ears and started humming. I felt Devin scoop me up, making me feel even more helpless and pathetic than I did before.

In the grand living room the works of Rembrandt, van Gogh, and Monet snickered at the sight of me like they knew I was just as crazy as they were. Mary, the maid, wrapped me up in a blanket and brought me a cup of tea. I couldn’t look either of them in the eyes so I concentrated on the flames in the fireplace instead.  Devin walked into the room, his jaw clenched tight and his eyes low, after getting off the phone with the family psychiatrist. He sat by my side with a million questions in his head, but he could see that I wasn’t ready to give any answers.  Instead we just sat, the silence dancing between us.

I could tell that he was assessing my body language as soon as he stepped through the door. I could only imagine what’s going through his mind about my emotional stability. “Hello Lacie, how are we feeling today?”, he was talking to me like I was a 3 year old. I took my focus back to the fire. His rebuttal was pulling out his pad and taking “notes”. “You gave your brother quiet a scare. Can you tell me what you saw in your room?”, he paused looking from Devin to me, “You’re brother said you were yelling at someone, but when he came in there was no one. Was there someone in your room?” He was staring at me so sternly like he was trying to pull the thoughts out of my brain, but I couldn’t tell him….not yet.

She hasn’t said anything since I brought her down Dr. Hartnet,” Devin chimed in when he realized I wasn’t going to budge. The doctor’s bald head slowly turned to Devin, “It seems like she’s in shock. She looks spooked and in order to get to the bottom of this I’ll need to bring her in for some testing.” I flinched when he said that and he continued to write down his accusations as if I were a science project. Devin and Dr. Hartnet walked into another room thinking that I wouldn’t be able to hear them. I’m “crazy” not deaf.

“It’s that serious? Are you sure she’s just not having a bad day?”, he asked once they got out of the room. Dr. Hartnet flipped open his notepad and stated, “By the way she’s resisting talking about it, her body language, and the fact that you didn’t see anything, she needs to be brought it. We have to see what is going on in her head to diagnosis the problem.” Looking at the calendar and trying to buy more time Devin replied, “Well my parents won’t be home for another couple of days. I tried to call them earlier but their phones went straight to voicemail.” Dr. Hartnet nodded and they both headed to the door. Taking one last look at me like I was a circus freak he instructed, “Well as soon as you get a hold of them have them give me a call.”

I heard the click of the door and saw Devin and Mary making their way back to me. Looking into my tea I said “I didn’t want to talk to him….I’m not crazy I swear. It’s just no one would believe me if I told them what I’d seen and I don’t want to end up in the loony bin,” I looked up at that moment and pleaded, “Please don’t let that happen to me.” A tear rolled down my cheek as Devin embraced me, protecting me from the world and whispered, “Everything will be okay. You’re just going to have to open up to us.” Taking a deep breathe I stammered, “I…I can’t Dev….not yet.”

ALBANY PSYCHIATRIC CENTER, ALBANY, NEW YORK-PRESENT DAY: EARLIER

With our parents being out of the country Devin was the only one who could take me for my “tests”.  All I could think about is how that word alone makes me feel like a lab rat. We’ve been here all morning at the Albany Psychiatric Center. I’ve been studying Dr. Hartnet’s office. There are dark wood cabinets, an OCD organized desk, and The Rorschach test, aka ink blot tests, as artwork hanging on the white walls. In my mind the best word to describe it was “sterile”. Devin hasn’t stopped pacing since we got here. He’s more nervous than I am considering the fact that I’ve been sitting here quietly waiting for my results. My body stiffened as the doorknob clicked.

“Okay Miss. Wells, Thank you for your patience,” Dr. Hartnet came stone faced into the room. Noticing my brother he called, “Devin please have a seat.” He snapped out of his jittery state and calmly said “I’m good, just lay it on us. Is she gonna be okay?” I looked straight at Dr. Hartnet this time and cut him off, “Before you tell me that I’m clinically insane. I’d like to just say I didn’t need test results to tell me so. I’ve been seeing these shadow things for a while now, but this was the first time they were present while I was awake. I figured it was just nightmares…Is it possible to see something so many times that you start to think it’s real?” Devin’s eyebrows peaked because this was the first time I mentioned anything about last night.

“The mind is a very complicated thing Lacie. Trauma is usually what sets off something like you’re experiencing to happen, but you haven’t been in any accidents or lost anyone close to you. So I’m not sure what is triggering these “shadow things” you’ve been seeing,” Dr. Hartnet’s strong voice explained. I rolled my eyes and thought, as if I didn’t know that already. Devin finally took a seat, putting his hand on my shoulder he asked, “Lace, why haven’t you said anything before?” I voice was meek, “Because I knew once I did…. I’d end up here.” My eyes shifted toward my lap. That’s when I felt the room closing in on me and the floor started to spin.


Here’s what I’ve been working on…any thoughts?

-AMP