Find Your Tribe

“Stop finding reasons to give up and instead start finding reasons to keep going.” -Anonymous

Surround yourself with positive people. For me it’s been the same group of girls over the last 15 years. My tribe of 5 give it to me straight because they want to see me succeed:

                                              Truthful

                                                     Relentless

                                                            Intelligent

                                                                   Beautiful

                                                                          Empowering

Truthful to your face. Relentless to help you achieve your goals wither it be fitness or life . Intelligent enough to have stimulating conversations as well as those nights where you just nerd out over the latest Harry Potter theory. Beautiful souls because that counts wayyyyy more than a pretty face (don’t worry, you guys have that too). Empowering people to be around to remind you that you can do anything and nothings going to stop you. These 5 embody all of the above, yet each have their own unique bond with me.

So who exactly are these people?

Their your soulmate, the person you always call first about anything and everything. We’ve literally had conversations from huge life events to absolutely nothing……and I mean nothing….and I mean nothing. Calling each other and just sitting on the phone watching two different shows and not speaking is normal. This person knows you better than you know yourself, tells you straight up if you’re being basic, and reminds you to keep your head in the clouds but anchor those feet. You probably finish each others sentences or know what each other is thinking with just a look. They would stop at nothing to make you smile on your lowest and put you before anyone else.

The person you can get weird with. When you’re in that silly mood you call this person up. The one you spend hours playing with Snapchat filters and crying from laughing so hard. This person is the one you’re not afraid to sound or act stupid with, you sing on the top of your lungs with this person….literally. The important conversations are still had, but majority of the time you’ll find yourselves cracking up about all the stupid crap you’ve done together over the years. And out in public…forget it. You two are always found having a blast and enjoying life because the energy is always high.

The goal achiever is usually the one who has it the most together in your eyes. You see them set a goal at the end of the year and achieve them by the end of the next. They are the ones you’d go for advice on how they do it without giving up. They are the one who sometimes needs you around to remind them to not take life so seriously, but puts into perspective where you are and what you’re not doing to achieve your own goals. They are your wake up call and determination. This person is always in your corner to give you the tools to succeed.  They are the one you look up to.

Then theirs the relatable one, this person is like your twin. Your lives are parallel and there’s no rhyme or reason to it. Everything that they are going through either you’ve already went through or will. They are the one you go to about life talks and the one who’s the least judgmental. They support you in the craziness yet will pull you back to reality by reminding you the lessons they’ve learned. They are wise beyond their years and the one you have philosophical conversations with. They were put into your life to let you know that you’re not alone, that although you aren’t blood related or don’t look exactly alike, you were cut from the same cloth.

And lastly, this person is the one you know who’s going to give it to you straight, the blunt one. The one who tells you how it is regardless if you want to hear it or not. They want nothing but the best for you and don’t mind you mad at them for telling the truth that you’ll realize later on. This person has no filter, they are the one you go to when you need the biggest reality check. They can be reckless with words but its all out of love.

Of course if you’re lucky you find that your tribe members aren’t just one type but a mixture. They are the ones who’ve gotten you through the toughest times without judgement and vice versa. They are the reasons that help you keep going when you think you’ve got nothing left to give. They warn you about the negative bs that you allow and are real af when you need it the most. I am grateful for my tribe. Without them who knows where I’d be.

-AMP

 

 

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Food Sensory

Ever look at a strawberry and connect it to what one of those nose strips look like after you rip it off?

Well now you did. You’re welcome and sorry if  I ruined them for you, but it’s kinda true. See:20180102_114101.jpg

Since we’re on the subject though, what are some foods that disgust you at the sight? For some people its mayo, others its fish.

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I dated a guy who wouldn’t eat tomatoes because when you cut them in half he said that’s what an alien organ would look like.

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Personally, I’m not picky until sweets are involved. I’ll try anything once as long as its not alive while eating. Maybe it’s not sight, maybe its taste or texture. Cake….totally not my thang unless it’s funfetti. Anything with cream in it….that’s out too. Although jelly donuts are rad…go figure. Not that big of a fan of chocolate either, don’t take my girl card away just yet, I can get down with choco covered anything (maybe not bugs) but the best combo is definitely peanuts or peanut butter. However, chocolate milk. Gross. Hot Fudge. Barf.

Forget about taste some of you can’t even stand the smell and refuse on that alone. Which I mean, I guess I get, but like take cheese for example they say the worst smelling is the best tasting. I can’t tell you if that’s true or not because I’m not a cheese connoisseur, but I’ll take their word. For some its eggs, which eggs can be made a million ways so you might like them scrambled but be grossed out by over easy. So eggs are in their own category I guess.

What’s your weird food issue?

-AMP

Goodbye 20’s

Welcome one and all to the last year of my 20s! Don’t worry you have all year to enjoy the rollercoaster as my birthday is in December.

Real quick here’s what’s happened the last couple of years. 2016 I graduated with my BA in Creative Writing and English [Go Penmen!] I had a remote internship at a small publishing house in publicity while applying to job after job in NYC.

April 2017 I finished up the internship, a relationship, and started a new job in marketing. A fresh start is exactly what my crappy life needed. I promised myself that I would travel more, write everyday, and continue to chase my dreams [I know how cliche]. But you know what I did. The second part of 2017 I knocked off 2 more states [Hawaii and Oregon] off the 50 States before, I went to Woodstock, NY and got to see Paul McCartney live, sang Hey Jude with thousands of strangers all united, another three things off my bucket list.  I’ve written in personal journals everyday and seriously its the best therapy ever. Clearly the second half of the year was wayyyy better

Now that it’s officially a new year, I plan on continuing from last year. Some things to look forward to this year are a wedding in Bermuda, another trip to Oregon, and on the last day of my 29th year I’ll be in Disney to celebrate 30 years of life. I’m sure there will be more trips along the way, but for now stay weird!

-AMP

Portland, Oregon

 

Woodstock, NY

Paul McCartney

O’ahu, Hawaii

 

 

Reflection

I’ve posted 26…..now 27 parts of my thoughts this year. If you’re a true blogger and reading this then you’re probably laughing because that’s nothing compared to what you do. I didn’t intend to write a certain amount as this was just a way to express myself. 

However, from the time I started this til now a lot has happened. Just like any year mine’s had its ups and downs. I’ve lost people, things, and myself. I’ve added people, things and a new respect and understanding of who I am and what I want in life. 

If you look at my first couple of posts you’ll see a writer trying to find her voice. I dabbled in sports writing…. not my best work, some promising parts though. I’ve shared the workings of a girls brain through over analyzing the simplest of things, I’ve touched upon subjects of bullying, love, how cancer sucks, a concert review, and how a creative minds works.

I opened up a window to my own personal experiences. To how much I had in my bank account to losing who I was because another failed relationship ended. I allowed myself to share my writings in poetry and part of a short story and that was only the first half of the year. 

I’ve found peace and adventure during the last 6 months. I gained back my confidence,  I’ve renewed my strength, I’ve surrounded myself with people who challenge me in good ways and balance my life. I’ve chosen to lead a life that I want to live, not work through. I’ve found someone who doesn’t complete me, but reminds me that I can do anything I set my mind too and I for them. 

And lastly I’ve seen people’s true colors the second half of this year. Most that shimmer and are a positive in my life but others that truly surprised me with their selfishness. I will never understand how you can just stop believing in someone. I will never forget the words that were said and that’s fine because I’ve become a better person and my eyes have been opened that in reality the ones who are closest to you have the most power to cripple you if you let them. So here’s to 2018 continuing the journey to peace and love. Thank you for joining and see you next year!

-AMP

Vomit

Vulnerable. Having the “I need to save everyone” mentality is exhausting. Their problems are your problems and when you can’t help and have to watch them suffer it’s agonizing. You want to scream,  cry, you lash out on the people around you. One song…word…look can set you off.

Oblivious at first, then the pain hits. A constant pit sits in your stomach caused by the unknowing of what they are thinking…feeling….doing. It’s so bad that you almost vomit. All thoughts are now consumed of this, but you can’t blame yourself. 
Mind your business. Separate you from them. Take time apart. How? How can a human step away from another human who clearly needs help? What if something were to happen to them? Would you be able to forgive yourself? 

If you’re mind goes to the worse situation and you now can’t stop but wonder if I stop reaching out….will they think I’m giving up on them? It’s normal and maybe they think that. People need space to figure it out. They also need a reminder every now and then that they aren’t alone. 

The truth is you can’t save everyone, especially the ones who don’t want to be. You can only do so much before they a) push you away or b) give in and confide in you.  Even after all that you aren’t them. You can’t understand what they are going through. You can only be there when they need you to be. For those who are going through that hard time, please know you aren’t alone. There is always someone who is worried about you and wants nothing but the best for you. Never feel ashamed to talk to somebody about whatever is on your mind because in the end that makes the difference. 

-AMP

EGO vs YOU

It comes crashing down without warning. It shows no sympathy on ruining your day. One minute you’re fine and the next your thoughts are consumed with a million what ifs. Sleeping….forget that. There’s a pit in your stomach that punches you every time another thought crosses your mind.

But why? Ego

How do we allow this to happen? By allowing that voice to speak when not wanted.

Do we really have a choice? Yes.

The ego is like the devil on your shoulder. It constantly whispers in your ear: you are better, you’re not good enough,  you have to listen to me because if you don’t I’ll keep poisoning your brain with these ideas until you break down. It will nag you all day and night and convince you those things, but only if you let it. Only if you don’t stand up to it. It is a constant power struggle of your life and most of the time you win, however when you let it, the ego hits hard and can bring you down for days.

Let me tell you a little story about a girl who recently had an episode. She was fine in the morning. Went to work, did her tasks, and then POW! Hello trouble. She has a trip coming up and little ego decided to barge in and say it’s about time you had a freak out in 3…2….1.

Thoughts of well this is her first time flying across country by herself. She’s been on an airplane alone before but not for this amount of time. She’s leaving people behind. She tried to fight back with “I’m going to see my best friend and it’s only a couple a days,” but ego again struck back with a lot can happen in those days. You could lose someone, your students could be better off without you. You’re not good enough for those people anyway. Self doubt started to consume her, but she fought back telling ego to shut up under her breath and it worked for a couple of hours. She had one small victory until later that night.

Like a tornado spiraling through a quaint town ego came. This time attacking a deeper subject. Knives of  “he’s to good to you” and “you need to be better or you’ll lose him” cut into her. Why is it when you’re at your happiest the ego comes along and tries to ruin everything? Instead of keeping it to herself like usual, she spoke up about it. She brought her worries to attention. She released her stress and gave note that she let the ego get the best of her that day. However, she fought back by not fighting the battle by herself. She spoke openly and honestly about the ideas ego placed and with every acknowledgement ego cowered into a corner. With every word of affirmation from him ego shrunk down more and more. She wasn’t going to let it stop her from being happy or going places. She wasn’t going to lose sleep over it either. She won that night.

With that all being said, if we take time to let someone in when we have an episode then we aren’t alone like ego wants us to think. We can get through it. Don’t let ego win. Don’t allow it to borrow in for the night or a couple of days to make you feel worthless. Because in the end you are much stronger than it. You have the choice to take the control back. Surround yourself with people who won’t get annoyed at you for occasionally allowing ego in and asking for help to get through it. Allow people to take your hand and walk you out of that darkness that ego enveloped around you. If you do this your life will be way more enjoyable. You will prove to yourself that you can get through it. Just be thankful that those amazing people in life understand that sometimes the simplest things help. You’ve got this!

-AMP

 

Cha Cha Cha Changes

In the past 5 months.

Lost:

Love, passion, soulmate, home.

Gained:

Adventure, interest, wanderlust, confidence.

The same time that I fell out of love, I gained a new adventure in my career. The same time I started losing my passion for dance, I gained more interest in pursuing writing. I traveled to Hawaii, caught the travel bug and now am itching to go explore, something I have often put on the backburner. I’ve discovered who I am NOW, have been more confident about what I want lately, yet still yearn for a someone to experience life with. My bestfriend moved across the country making her a six and a half flight away rather than an hour and a half drive, but luckily our phone skills are on point.

Changes haven’t always been my strong point. I’ve always stayed closer to home, stayed in my comfort zone, and kept my aspirations contained. Now all I want to do is get lost in a new city, immerse myself with the locals, and gain life experiences instead of trudging through it like a robot.

Today is my sorta day off so I finally got to sleep in and you know what I wasn’t ashamed to do so. I slept until noon, something I used to do often before starting my 9–5 job….I miss it. Anyway, I got a notification on my LinkedIn account like I do everyday, however, this one post really struck me. Bianca Jackson posted “I quit my 9–5 job. I felt victorious,” to which I was all like You go girl!, but then I kept reading, “What scares me the most in life is NOT having enough money but rather not living and walking in my purpose. Life is not a stage rehearsal but rather the play in action. Will you be the star you were meant to be or cruise through life as the understudy to your greatness?” DAMN.

Just take a second a let that sink in.

Those last two lines have my head spinning. Am I really going to continue to let my jobs run my life? Am I willing to sacrifice more of it to help others succeed? What about me? Who is rooting for me to be happy? Is that a selfish thing to do? HOLD UP! What better time to be selfish than now? I’m still young enough to go out travel, better myself. I’m not married nor do I have kids, something I thought I’d have by now if you asked 16 year old me, but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt with. So why not now? Why not up and run with life?

The control freak in me is saying: money, students, family. All things I’ve put in front of my own happiness. There is only so much they can do for you. If I’m being totally honest dance isn’t my happy place anymore. It’s exhausting. I recently had a conversation with my old dance teacher and she put it perfectly, “Dance is being turned into a sport, it’s all about the tricks, and no longer an art.” How true is that? People don’t get that dance is art. It is an expression for those who can’t speak their mind. It is a pain reliever for those who’ve lost their way. Its an escape. Granted I have some students who get that, but its only a handful out of the hundreds I teach.

So now what? Well, I have a creative writing degree that I’m currently doing nothing with. I’m stuck at a marketing job that is great extra money, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I have no time to do anything because I work constantly to pay the bills. All of my friends for the most part have 9–5 jobs or are married. I am still using the phrase, “ I can’t I have dance,” when they ask about hanging out. I’m frustrated beyond belief with my life being run by my jobs rather than myself. And all that’s going on in my head is “Something has changed within me, something is not the same…”I’m just tried of missing out on life. I’m tired of my life right now ruining relationships because I have no time. I’m tired of not loving what I do anymore. I’m just plain tired. Something needs to happen. Something needs to change.

-AMP