Vomit

Vulnerable. Having the “I need to save everyone” mentality is exhausting. Their problems are your problems and when you can’t help and have to watch them suffer it’s agonizing. You want to scream,  cry, you lash out on the people around you. One song…word…look can set you off.

Oblivious at first, then the pain hits. A constant pit sits in your stomach caused by the unknowing of what they are thinking…feeling….doing. It’s so bad that you almost vomit. All thoughts are now consumed of this, but you can’t blame yourself. 
Mind your business. Separate you from them. Take time apart. How? How can a human step away from another human who clearly needs help? What if something were to happen to them? Would you be able to forgive yourself? 

If you’re mind goes to the worse situation and you now can’t stop but wonder if I stop reaching out….will they think I’m giving up on them? It’s normal and maybe they think that. People need space to figure it out. They also need a reminder every now and then that they aren’t alone. 

The truth is you can’t save everyone, especially the ones who don’t want to be. You can only do so much before they a) push you away or b) give in and confide in you.  Even after all that you aren’t them. You can’t understand what they are going through. You can only be there when they need you to be. For those who are going through that hard time, please know you aren’t alone. There is always someone who is worried about you and wants nothing but the best for you. Never feel ashamed to talk to somebody about whatever is on your mind because in the end that makes the difference. 

-AMP

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EGO vs YOU

It comes crashing down without warning. It shows no sympathy on ruining your day. One minute you’re fine and the next your thoughts are consumed with a million what ifs. Sleeping….forget that. There’s a pit in your stomach that punches you every time another thought crosses your mind.

But why? Ego

How do we allow this to happen? By allowing that voice to speak when not wanted.

Do we really have a choice? Yes.

The ego is like the devil on your shoulder. It constantly whispers in your ear: you are better, you’re not good enough,  you have to listen to me because if you don’t I’ll keep poisoning your brain with these ideas until you break down. It will nag you all day and night and convince you those things, but only if you let it. Only if you don’t stand up to it. It is a constant power struggle of your life and most of the time you win, however when you let it, the ego hits hard and can bring you down for days.

Let me tell you a little story about a girl who recently had an episode. She was fine in the morning. Went to work, did her tasks, and then POW! Hello trouble. She has a trip coming up and little ego decided to barge in and say it’s about time you had a freak out in 3…2….1.

Thoughts of well this is her first time flying across country by herself. She’s been on an airplane alone before but not for this amount of time. She’s leaving people behind. She tried to fight back with “I’m going to see my best friend and it’s only a couple a days,” but ego again struck back with a lot can happen in those days. You could lose someone, your students could be better off without you. You’re not good enough for those people anyway. Self doubt started to consume her, but she fought back telling ego to shut up under her breath and it worked for a couple of hours. She had one small victory until later that night.

Like a tornado spiraling through a quaint town ego came. This time attacking a deeper subject. Knives of  “he’s to good to you” and “you need to be better or you’ll lose him” cut into her. Why is it when you’re at your happiest the ego comes along and tries to ruin everything? Instead of keeping it to herself like usual, she spoke up about it. She brought her worries to attention. She released her stress and gave note that she let the ego get the best of her that day. However, she fought back by not fighting the battle by herself. She spoke openly and honestly about the ideas ego placed and with every acknowledgement ego cowered into a corner. With every word of affirmation from him ego shrunk down more and more. She wasn’t going to let it stop her from being happy or going places. She wasn’t going to lose sleep over it either. She won that night.

With that all being said, if we take time to let someone in when we have an episode then we aren’t alone like ego wants us to think. We can get through it. Don’t let ego win. Don’t allow it to borrow in for the night or a couple of days to make you feel worthless. Because in the end you are much stronger than it. You have the choice to take the control back. Surround yourself with people who won’t get annoyed at you for occasionally allowing ego in and asking for help to get through it. Allow people to take your hand and walk you out of that darkness that ego enveloped around you. If you do this your life will be way more enjoyable. You will prove to yourself that you can get through it. Just be thankful that those amazing people in life understand that sometimes the simplest things help. You’ve got this!

-AMP

 

Cha Cha Cha Changes

In the past 5 months.

Lost:

Love, passion, soulmate, home.

Gained:

Adventure, interest, wanderlust, confidence.

The same time that I fell out of love, I gained a new adventure in my career. The same time I started losing my passion for dance, I gained more interest in pursuing writing. I traveled to Hawaii, caught the travel bug and now am itching to go explore, something I have often put on the backburner. I’ve discovered who I am NOW, have been more confident about what I want lately, yet still yearn for a someone to experience life with. My bestfriend moved across the country making her a six and a half flight away rather than an hour and a half drive, but luckily our phone skills are on point.

Changes haven’t always been my strong point. I’ve always stayed closer to home, stayed in my comfort zone, and kept my aspirations contained. Now all I want to do is get lost in a new city, immerse myself with the locals, and gain life experiences instead of trudging through it like a robot.

Today is my sorta day off so I finally got to sleep in and you know what I wasn’t ashamed to do so. I slept until noon, something I used to do often before starting my 9–5 job….I miss it. Anyway, I got a notification on my LinkedIn account like I do everyday, however, this one post really struck me. Bianca Jackson posted “I quit my 9–5 job. I felt victorious,” to which I was all like You go girl!, but then I kept reading, “What scares me the most in life is NOT having enough money but rather not living and walking in my purpose. Life is not a stage rehearsal but rather the play in action. Will you be the star you were meant to be or cruise through life as the understudy to your greatness?” DAMN.

Just take a second a let that sink in.

Those last two lines have my head spinning. Am I really going to continue to let my jobs run my life? Am I willing to sacrifice more of it to help others succeed? What about me? Who is rooting for me to be happy? Is that a selfish thing to do? HOLD UP! What better time to be selfish than now? I’m still young enough to go out travel, better myself. I’m not married nor do I have kids, something I thought I’d have by now if you asked 16 year old me, but that’s not the cards I’ve been dealt with. So why not now? Why not up and run with life?

The control freak in me is saying: money, students, family. All things I’ve put in front of my own happiness. There is only so much they can do for you. If I’m being totally honest dance isn’t my happy place anymore. It’s exhausting. I recently had a conversation with my old dance teacher and she put it perfectly, “Dance is being turned into a sport, it’s all about the tricks, and no longer an art.” How true is that? People don’t get that dance is art. It is an expression for those who can’t speak their mind. It is a pain reliever for those who’ve lost their way. Its an escape. Granted I have some students who get that, but its only a handful out of the hundreds I teach.

So now what? Well, I have a creative writing degree that I’m currently doing nothing with. I’m stuck at a marketing job that is great extra money, but not somewhere I want to be forever. I have no time to do anything because I work constantly to pay the bills. All of my friends for the most part have 9–5 jobs or are married. I am still using the phrase, “ I can’t I have dance,” when they ask about hanging out. I’m frustrated beyond belief with my life being run by my jobs rather than myself. And all that’s going on in my head is “Something has changed within me, something is not the same…”I’m just tried of missing out on life. I’m tired of my life right now ruining relationships because I have no time. I’m tired of not loving what I do anymore. I’m just plain tired. Something needs to happen. Something needs to change.

-AMP

Restless

So I am sitting at work, doing my tasks, getting things done and all that’s on my mind is how I don’t know what I want to do in life. 

Sure this job is great, but it’s not something I want to do forever. I’m getting restless and aggravated over the littlest things. I feel trapped and desperately wish that I could take a year and soul search. 

A Bachelor’s in creative writing should mean endless opportunities, so how come when looking for jobs most of them are for teaching or medical content writing? Neither of which I am interested in. To quote Belle, “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere!” I don’t want to be stuck at an office job the rest of my life either. 

I’ve considering applying for a job that pays you to travel and write about the new cities you discover for a year, but I have so many things tying me down here. I’m 29 and still lost at what I want to be when I grow up. Should I have taken school more serious back in high school instead of living in a fantasy world of being a star one Broadway or a dancer for a pop star?  Should I have tried harder to make that come true? My friends know that I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so maybe that didn’t happen because I’m not meant to perform. Teaching dance is great, but even that I’m not sure I want to do forever anymore. 

Right now I just think my spirit is broken and I’m in one of those tall ditches that seem impossible to get out of. It’s like I’m waiting for some kind of sign to say “hey here is what you are meant to do, now do it!” Honestly, I hope I figure it out soon. I’m not looking for handouts because I’ve always worked for what I’ve gotten, but any sign that shoves me in the right direction I am open to welcoming.  That’s all for now. 

-AMP

Leaving

Here’s to a new voyage. One that will only bring light. Where the only dimming is from sunsets. And you can leave all your troubles behind. 

I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things as I leave and as much as I hate change, it is exactly what I need. 

Pulled in many directions, it’s time to find my path. On this journey I have to choose what’s best for me. Be selfish for once. Listen to what my gut tells me. 

I’m not an uber religious person, but I have been strongly influenced by this passage. So I leave you with this:

-AMP

Do As The Hippie Dippie Do

I finally made it! The grounds where Woodstock ’69 took place. Where thousands of people came together and showed the world that we could live in harmony. Religion, ethnicity, gender, none of that mattered. It was just the music and a whole lot of hippie love. Something I admire profusely.

To be apart of something that meaningful, a piece of history in a positive way….man I wish I was alive then. 3 days of pure happiness. Of true peace. Not having to worry about the war that was going on or who you can or can’t love. Being able to be one with the music and the crowd surrounding you. Even something as simple as not having to look a certain way because that’s what society said. I’d give anything to be a part of that culture. 

People automatically assume that if you state you’re a hippie that you smoke pot, don’t wear a bra, don’t shave, do other psychedelics, and are well…dirty. However, I beg to differ. I like the definition in the picture above. If I’ve learned anything on my short time on earth it’s that there is so much life to be lived and only you can stop yourself from living it.

I’m making sure I go and see what I want to and experience new and exciting places and people. Nothing is better than getting to know the locals and really learn about the town, culture, or to just make new friends. So that’s how my friend and I ended up in Bethel, NY.

Anyway, back to Woodstock 2017. With a flower crown on my head and a not so cliche tie dye dress I couldn’t wait to step foot on the grounds where so much history was made. Mind you this the most excited I’ve ever been to be at a historical site, a close second is where parts of dirty dancing was filmed, but I suppose that’s not “historical”. 

Anywho, we walked around and saw the pavilion where they now host smaller concerts and the musuem, but we were seriously having trouble finding the huge open field..seriously what the hell?  I finally asked someone and they said literally go straight and you’ll see it. 

So we started walking, further and further and then BAM. There it was…..I swear the green on the grass was more vibrant than any other green I’ve seen. At the top was a oversized picture frame that gave you a perfect photo op and man did I take advantage of it. Here’s only one: 

Let me tell you all I could think of was how badly I wanted to roll down this hill. I imagined what it was like in August with thousands of people singing in unison to Joe Cocker’s versions of Lets Go Get Stoned and of course With a Little Help from My Friends. I tried to imagine Janis sippin’ whiskey somewhere before her set and how it felt to hear Jimi Hendrix wail the Star Spangled Banner on his guitar. I was in heaven. 

In the far left corner was the monument saying Woodstock ’69 took place here and a “peace” tree with hundreds of peoples names carved and written into the trunk and on wood chips. We left our mark there before taking more pictures. Where the stage used to be are rocks that spell out love, peace and outline peace signs. If you’re standing on the flat piece of land you can see the lawn mowed gigantic peace sign and all I could do was smile. I thought I must listen to some of the set list in it.

Plop down in a section, pulled out my phone and pressed play on Piece of My Heart. Laid back and closed my eyes to soak it all in. Halfway through mother nature started to weep lightly onto us. I didn’t even care because it rained then so I looked at it like I was getting the full experience. 

Well wouldn’t you now you’re not allowed to have the full experience anymore because they send a car down to tell everyone to head back up to the top because there’s a storm a coming. So sadly Janis got cut off just short of finishing and we headed back up the hill. We checked out the vendors and I picked up a peace key holder then went into the museum and took the tour. Watched the movies in the bus and the theater and hit up the store where I splurged on a denim Woodstock jacket. After that the storm was on and off and we decided to leave and go down the street for some food.

The app pears and brie with an array of fruit that made the plate bright. For our meals gnocchi with wild mushrooms,  they were like fluffy little pillows that melted in our mouths. After chatting with the bartender a bit we paid and headed back home. Our trip to the past came to an end but not before clearing up,  leaving us with a double rainbow to remember the summer of ’17. The first but not the last trip to Woodstock. 

-AMP

Okay.

Broken.

Another piece of her heart was gone.

With so much to give, she couldn’t understand why she deserved this.

Her big heart.

Her kind soul.

What made it okay to crush them?

How could she be so easy to walk away from?

…..they always walk away.

Who said it was okay for you to make her feel like this?

You loved her.

You said you’d do anything for her,

yet you turned your back on her.

You made promises you couldn’t keep.

You gave her hope.

Hope of a love she wouldn’t regret,

a love she wouldn’t miss.

You messed with her head.

Just like every other “man” in her life.

She trusted you….

she trusted you.

She stopped eating.

Cried herself to sleep at night.

Felt numb.

Worthless.

She was angry.

Angry that she let you do this to her,

that she let this go on way too long.

Angry that she kept pushing the signs to the back of her mind,

because, because she wanted this to be it so badly.

….she wanted this.

But you let her down.

You pushed her away.

You made her feel small,

like she wasn’t good enough,

like she wasn’t capable of real love.

And then you lied.

You lied straight to her face.

You made her believe that there was still a chance.

How dare you….

How dare you.

She deserves better.

She won’t let you have that power over her.

Not anymore.

She sees that now.

She’s hurting less.

She’s learning to love who she is.

Her mind is understanding that you were a lesson.

A lesson of the good times you shared,

what she doesn’t want to feel like,

and what she needs to work on.

She eats.

She goes to bed in peace.

Her wounds are healing.

She can look at herself without being disgusted.

She can see who she is, who she wants to be, and who she’ll become.

She is growing.

She is surviving.

She will be okay.